Dear University of Oregon,
When are you going to stop emailing me?
Look, I went to you because I figured college was what generally came after high school. It came down to you and UPS (“Oh you mean the package delivery company?” HAHAHA yes of course, annoying person! I’ve never heard that joke before!) because, due to a variety of family circumstances, I decided I probably should not run away to the East Coast. You won the big prize (me, obviously. Because unlike Princess Jasmine, in this particular story I was, in fact, a prize to be won.) because you offered more scholarship money in proportion to tuition. So I showed up, lived with Becky, then Becky and Zach, then Zach, then Zach and Jennifer, then myself and then got the hell out of Eugene.
I did not terribly enjoy my time with you – in fact the most fun I had those four years was when I was living in LA for a term. So thanks for letting me get academic credit for that I suppose. Opposite of thank you for still charging me (read: my dear sweet mother) student fees for that term, by the way. How was I supposed to use the rec center and EMU from a different state?
The email you sent that said “Congratulations on earning your Winter 2011 University of Oregon degree!” it has seemed like our relationship has run its course and it would be a good time to quit emailing me about how to get tickets for sporting events and how to stay safe on campus. Actually January 2008 probably would have been the ideal time for that, so really you’re behind schedule, if anything. The only part of you that I remain interested in is the office of Prospect Management and Analytics (which will always be called RPM in my heart) who are the best people on campus, if not in all of Eugene.
Hope you’re doing well and we can hurry up in making this a clean break.
PS: I’d love to give you that $10 to join the Alumni Association, but I can buy three shrimp tacos for that price. Three! You understand.