Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Month: May, 2011

An Open Letter To Gary Who Lives Upstairs

Dear Gary,

I’m really sorry that you lost your job and that your wife had an affair and left you and that you drive a Lincoln Town Car. However, that does not mean that you are allowed to talk loudly in the hallway about how looking back, your wife didn’t really even like you she just liked the “great sex” you had for a while and then abandoned you.

I am so not interested in any of that. At all.

Love, Amy

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An Open Letter To the Oregon Coast

Dear Oregon Coast,

How are you? It’s been a while since I came to visit. In fact, I think the last time I saw you was at Christmas. Which is far too long to go – I’m starting to have withdrawals. Unfortunately, I am now in LA and can’t come see you without spending many hundreds of dollars which I do not currently have. I’d also have to use my mother’s car to get from Portland to you, and last time we tried that, I hit a deer. Not exactly a high point of that summer. But that was all my fault – you can do no wrong. Stay awesome and I will come see you soon.

Love, Amy

Just missin you is all.

An Open Letter To The Grove

Dear The Grove,

Thanks a whole lot for ruining Frank Sinatra for me! He came on earlier today when my iTunes library was on shuffle (right in between She and Him and The Backstreet Boys. I am nothing if not diverse) and I had to skip right over him. Why, you ask? Oh, because I felt like I was walking through The Grove on my way to pick up either: maps of Paris, bat puppets, a mixing bowl big enough to fit over a human head covering said human head down to the neck (it is not an object that exists, trust me), seven lunch orders from the Cheesecake Factory or fabric samples for classy new outside-the-hosts-office-sitting-chairs from Crate and Barrel. Each of those things had a different effect on my mood, ranging from ‘making me incredibly grouchy’ to ‘not so bad actually’ but all of them happened while you were blasting Frank at me and now I can’t just listen and enjoy him. I instantly sit up a little bit straighter and have visions of run slips. It’s not bad, it’s just not ideal and it is all your fault. Thanks to you Frank Sinatra and The Late Late Show are inseparable in my mind, kind of like how the smell of a Panda Express automatically makes me think that I am with my first high school boyfriend. Sinatra and Panda Express were never my favorite things, but now they are things that I just can’t enjoy without a whole bunch of other thoughts jumping immediately to mind. So thanks.

Love, Amy

P.S. Yes, my first high school boyfriend was Asian. He’d probably want me to clarify that.

An Open Letter To Good Magazine

Dear Good Magazine,

I need a job. ASAP. Things are getting serious around here. Here is a list of reasons why you should probably hire me:

  • I will do anything at this point. Anything. You want me to sort mail? I am a PRO at that! Just ask my references from The Late Late Show. I have sorted and opened all kinds of mail. Books and screener DVDs sent to the producers that I really really really wanted to steal and take home and read/watch but didn’t because I am a good (PUN SOOO INTENDED, SEE WHAT I DID THERE??) person. Fan mail – a kinds. Creepy kinds. Endearing kinds. Pestering kinds. Smelly kinds. Original fan-art kinds. Strange and unsolicited gift kinds. Unexplained divorce paper kinds. The list goes on and on. I am also a very good coffee and lunch orderer/picker-upper – I handle both tasks with grace, speed and accuracy. I am also open to answering phones, purchasing mixing bowls (or other objects – I don’t limit myself to kitchen based items either! I’ll buy anything! You can ask all my friends about my shopping habits and discerning eye for style).
  • Sometimes I can be a good writer. I’ve got samples. Gimme an email address and I will send them all right over. And as noted in the ‘About’ section of this blog, I scored a 720/800 on the SAT writing portion, if that means anything to you.
  • I know a lot about food. Eating it, cooking it, buying it, watching TV shows about it, you name it. I have LOADS of material just waiting to be published on that part of your website.
  • I have a degree in Environmental Studies from the University of Oregon. That means I know a lot about salmon, field burning, public beaches, hydroelectric power and organic farming.
  • My experience in managing and updating databases is extensive. I mean, I’ve worked with four different kinds of databases. FOUR. I can do data entry in my sleep. I’m not sure if anything in your company (maybe some of the nonprofit stuff?) deals with that in any way, but if it does, I’m your girl. I can enter reports. I know a thing or two about giving history profiles and entering contact information from canvasing sign up sheets.
  • When I said I’d do anything, I meant it. One summer, I worked as a janitor for an elementary school. I painted over the pee on the walls in the boy’s bathroom. Nothing you hand me can be any worse than that. I’m ready.
  • I have co-starred in and co-produced three very short ‘films’ and one music video. One of the ‘films’ was King Lear as told through a combination episode of Project Runway and America’s Next Top Model. What were the others and what was the music video all about, you ask? Give me a call and I will describe them all in full detail. For know you’ll have to be satisfied with that little taste.
  • I’ve made some fancy documents too. “Protecting Health In Your Community: A Guidebook For Pesticide Reform” is one of them. Doesn’t that sound so official and grown up? I wrote the whole thing! It’s very impressive.
  • Most importantly, I give a damn. I give a damn about food. I give a damn about cancer. I give a damn about salmon (a Pacific Northwest cliche, I know, but it’s true). I give a damn about farmers. I give a damn about books (real ones, with paper in them). I give a damn about consumer advocacy and not getting lead poisoning from coffee mugs and baby toys. I give a damn about music. I give a damn about there being interesting things to read and learn about. Relatedly, I give a damn about libraries. I give a damn about grammar. I give a damn about teaching kids about grammar. I give a damn about teaching kids in general. I give a damn about being outside. I give a damn about there being funny and interesting people in the world and them being able to do funny and interesting things and have other people see it. I want to have a fun job that I don’t hate and that teaches me new things.

There are many other reasons as well and I have a number of other very nice skills that are not listed here. Basically, I think you are great and are doing exactly what I want to be doing and I would like to do it with you. If there is one thing I learned while earning my Environmental Studies degree, it is that there are a lot of bad things happening. It was sort of a depressing major, to tell you the truth. I don’t want to ignore all that bad stuff, but I certainly would rather focus on all the good stuff that is happening instead. Clearly there is plenty of it and I want there to be more of it. I already looked at your jobs listings and I know you technically don’t have anything for me right yet (unless you would like a recent college graduate to have a ‘director’ title – I know I’m fine with it), but as I said: I will do ANYTHING. Put me to work.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To My Car

Dear Miley,

I’m really sorry that I smashed you into that Lexus. I didn’t mean to I swear. I’m also really sorry that Dustin’s dog threw up on your front passenger seat a little bit. He didn’t mean to either I’m sure. He’s just a puppy. And as many people have told me (I’m looking at you Michael Stave) I’m not a great driver so really you should be thankful that after almost 6 months total of off and on driving in LA there hasn’t been MORE damage. Obviously there is more damage to you, but the rest of it happened in Oregon so it doesn’t count. AND you’re welcome for not being the car I was driving on Netarts highway that night when I hit the deer. I do still feel bad though. I promise that after your visit to the body shop I will have you detailed inside and out and you will be shiny new like when Rick sold you to me (not this Rick, but still an awesome guy).

Love, Amy

P.S. Maybe after you are all fixed up and like new my dear sweet sister will give you a new name. Or I’ll even let you pick! Which Disney/pop sensation would you like to be named after this time?