An Open Letter To Good Magazine
by Amy Lindorff
Dear Good Magazine,
I need a job. ASAP. Things are getting serious around here. Here is a list of reasons why you should probably hire me:
- I will do anything at this point. Anything. You want me to sort mail? I am a PRO at that! Just ask my references from The Late Late Show. I have sorted and opened all kinds of mail. Books and screener DVDs sent to the producers that I really really really wanted to steal and take home and read/watch but didn’t because I am a good (PUN SOOO INTENDED, SEE WHAT I DID THERE??) person. Fan mail – a kinds. Creepy kinds. Endearing kinds. Pestering kinds. Smelly kinds. Original fan-art kinds. Strange and unsolicited gift kinds. Unexplained divorce paper kinds. The list goes on and on. I am also a very good coffee and lunch orderer/picker-upper – I handle both tasks with grace, speed and accuracy. I am also open to answering phones, purchasing mixing bowls (or other objects – I don’t limit myself to kitchen based items either! I’ll buy anything! You can ask all my friends about my shopping habits and discerning eye for style).
- Sometimes I can be a good writer. I’ve got samples. Gimme an email address and I will send them all right over. And as noted in the ‘About’ section of this blog, I scored a 720/800 on the SAT writing portion, if that means anything to you.
- I know a lot about food. Eating it, cooking it, buying it, watching TV shows about it, you name it. I have LOADS of material just waiting to be published on that part of your website.
- I have a degree in Environmental Studies from the University of Oregon. That means I know a lot about salmon, field burning, public beaches, hydroelectric power and organic farming.
- My experience in managing and updating databases is extensive. I mean, I’ve worked with four different kinds of databases. FOUR. I can do data entry in my sleep. I’m not sure if anything in your company (maybe some of the nonprofit stuff?) deals with that in any way, but if it does, I’m your girl. I can enter reports. I know a thing or two about giving history profiles and entering contact information from canvasing sign up sheets.
- When I said I’d do anything, I meant it. One summer, I worked as a janitor for an elementary school. I painted over the pee on the walls in the boy’s bathroom. Nothing you hand me can be any worse than that. I’m ready.
- I have co-starred in and co-produced three very short ‘films’ and one music video. One of the ‘films’ was King Lear as told through a combination episode of Project Runway and America’s Next Top Model. What were the others and what was the music video all about, you ask? Give me a call and I will describe them all in full detail. For know you’ll have to be satisfied with that little taste.
- I’ve made some fancy documents too. “Protecting Health In Your Community: A Guidebook For Pesticide Reform” is one of them. Doesn’t that sound so official and grown up? I wrote the whole thing! It’s very impressive.
- Most importantly, I give a damn. I give a damn about food. I give a damn about cancer. I give a damn about salmon (a Pacific Northwest cliche, I know, but it’s true). I give a damn about farmers. I give a damn about books (real ones, with paper in them). I give a damn about consumer advocacy and not getting lead poisoning from coffee mugs and baby toys. I give a damn about music. I give a damn about there being interesting things to read and learn about. Relatedly, I give a damn about libraries. I give a damn about grammar. I give a damn about teaching kids about grammar. I give a damn about teaching kids in general. I give a damn about being outside. I give a damn about there being funny and interesting people in the world and them being able to do funny and interesting things and have other people see it. I want to have a fun job that I don’t hate and that teaches me new things.
There are many other reasons as well and I have a number of other very nice skills that are not listed here. Basically, I think you are great and are doing exactly what I want to be doing and I would like to do it with you. If there is one thing I learned while earning my Environmental Studies degree, it is that there are a lot of bad things happening. It was sort of a depressing major, to tell you the truth. I don’t want to ignore all that bad stuff, but I certainly would rather focus on all the good stuff that is happening instead. Clearly there is plenty of it and I want there to be more of it. I already looked at your jobs listings and I know you technically don’t have anything for me right yet (unless you would like a recent college graduate to have a ‘director’ title – I know I’m fine with it), but as I said: I will do ANYTHING. Put me to work.