Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Month: June, 2011

An Open Letter To Barnes and Noble

Dear Barnes and Noble,

So you really think that Eat, Pray, Love belongs on the ‘New in Biography’ table, do you? Even though it was published in early 2006, making it over five years old now? Really? Fine. You’re the boss of books I guess. I mean, you also seem to firmly believe that The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus should be prominently featured and it looks like a massive waste of paper, so I guess anything is possible.

Love, Amy

Advertisements

An Open Letter To Bill Bryson

Dear Mr. Bryson,

In the last week, I have spent at least an hour every day except one in a bookstore with Jerry. Jerry is my uncle and he is graciously letting me live with him. We have been spending so much time in bookstores because he is desperately in need of a new book since finishing Darin Strauss’s Half a Life and I both have nothing better to do and will never say no thank you to a bookstore run.

He read Half a Life in a day or so and in the next day or so, so did I. It was one of those books that read quickly, was engaging and well written and difficult to put down. We have been through at least four different bookstores (including multiple attempts at the Barnes and Noble at The Grove) and it has been a resounding failure. Today we finally figured out the problem.

We – but especially Jerry – can’t find a new book because you haven’t written one lately.

A Short History of Nearly Everything was out on one of those seemingly arbitrary feature tables at Barnes and Noble and we both instantly proclaimed our love for it and everything else you’ve written. Jerry wanted to read your new book, but it doesn’t exist yet and no one else is quite as good.

So get on it. Otherwise, I’ll have to end up reading Picknick mit B√§ren to bide the time and make A Walk in the Woods seem new. But that won’t help Jerry any because he doesn’t know a lick of German.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To My Computer Keyboard

Dear Keyboard,

Why does it always take me at least ten full seconds to locate the dollar sign? Are you hiding it on purpose? Do I think that it is a higher number than four and then think, no it’s lower, and skip right over four altogether? Does it actually move around? Am I crazy? (I know the answer is, to quote T-Bone from Arrested Development “Oh, most definitely,” but I mean specifically with regard to this issue.) Is this a common problem that people have or am I the only one? Do you get pleasure and entertainment out of watching me hunt for it every damn time? Can we strike some sort of mutually beneficial bargain to solve this problem?

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Pedestrians Everywhere

Dear Pedestrians Everywhere,

WALK FASTER YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter to The Last Bookstore

Dear The Last Bookstore,

Congratulations, you have achieved what I previously thought was impossible.

I have spent a lot of time in bookstores. They range from the usuals (Barnes and Noble, Borders, etc.) to the incredible (Powell’s, Smith Family, that one in Astoria whose name I can’t remember) to the stretches (Target isn’t really a bookstore, but I did buy Tina Fey’s book there so it did the job). Never have I ever been disappointed. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve spent less than twenty minutes in any bookstore and not bought anything.

Then I met you. I was excited to see you because I had heard good things and after almost eight months, still hadn’t found a good used bookstore in LA. So Jerry and I went with high hopes, ready to spend money we didn’t really have on books that (at least for me) would be coming in at number 156 on my to-read list. But there was nothing. You had some great ideas for sections, each with about 100 lame books that I had either already read or had no interest in. You also had a music section, with about a hundred CDs. One was by 98 Degrees (the one boy band no one listened to even when people listened to boy bands) and another was a spoken word album by Donald Trump.

You managed to be a bookstore that I ran out of things to peruse after approximately four minutes and had nothing that I wanted to buy. Impressive.

Love, Amy