Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Month: July, 2011

An Open Letter To The Emmys

Dear Emmys,

Last year, I wrote an article about who I thought should win the Emmys so let’s do that again:

  • Outstanding Drama Series (Boardwalk Empire/Dexter/Friday Night Lights/Game of Thrones/The Good Wife/Mad Men): I only saw a few episodes of Boardwalk Empire. They were somewhere in the middle and I had no idea what was going on. It didn’t seem terrible though. Dexter was ruined thanks to Julia Stiles. Game of Thrones and the Good Wife are mysteries to me and Mad Men ended all ridiculous with Don’s engagement. That leaves Friday Night Lights. I spent my final term of college watching FNL instead of going to class and good lord was it worth it. The fifth season was television perfection and if it doesn’t win, I might cry even more than I did at the series finale.
  • Outstanding Comedy Series (The Big Bang Theory/Glee/Modern Family/The Office/Parks and Recreation/30 Rock): I only care about two things in this category. 1. Glee wins NOTHINGITISSOTERRIBLEWHYDOPEOPLEWATCHIT. 2. Modern Family and Parks and Recreation share the win because choosing between them is what I imagine choosing a favorite child would be like.
  • Outstanding Actor in a Drama (Steve Buscemi/Kyle Chandler/Michael C. Hall/Jon Hamm/Hugh Laurie/Timothy Olyphant): Kyle Chandler. Duh.
  • Outstanding Actress in a Drama (Kathy Bates/Connie Britton/Mireille Enos/Mariska Hargitay/Julianna Margulies/Elisabeth Moss): Connie Britton. Also duh.
  • Outstanding Actor in a Comedy (Alec Baldwin/Steve Carell/Louie C.K./Johnny Galecki/Matt LeBlanc/Jim Parsons): LOUIE. Have you watched that show? Louie. Louie. Louie.
  • Outstanding Actress in a Comedy (Edie Falco/Tina Fey/Laura Linney/Melissa McCarthy/Martha Plimpton/Amy Poehler): “Hello everyone, I’m Leslie Monster.” Just give it to Amy Poehler she’s so great.
  • Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama (Andre Braugher/Josh Charles/Alan Cumming/Peter Dinklage/Walton Goggins/John Slattery): The only one of these names I can place in a show is John Slattery and he is not my favorite of the Mad Men, so do what you want, Emmys.
  • Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama (Christina Baranski/Michelle Forbes/Christina Hendricks/Kelly MacDonald/Margo Martindale/Archie Panjabi): I love Margo Martindale in everything I’ve seen her in so even though I only saw half an episode of Justified she should probably win.
  • Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy (Ty Burrell/Chris Colfer/John Cryer/Jesse Tyler Ferguson/Ed O’Neill/Eric Stonestreet): If it can’t be Nick Offerman, then it has to be Eric Stonestreet. Though Ty Burrell still has my favorite Modern Family quote of all time: “Why do I have to see a French movie, I didn’t do anything wrong!”
  • Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy (Julie Bowen/Jane Krakowski/Jane Lynch/Sofia Vergara/Betty White/Kristen Wiig): If you’re going to give Kristen Wiig an award, it should be for Bridesmaids not SNL. Julie Bowen must be rewarded for being still being able to carry on as a human, let alone a very funny one, after suffering through the role of Mrs. Dr. Jack Shepherd.
  • Outstanding Variety/Music/Comedy Series (The Colbert Report/Conan/The Daily Show/Late Night With Jimmy Fallon/Real Time With Bill Maher/SNL): I have never watched a clip of Fallon and though anything other than ‘wow, that was sort of amazing.’
  • Outstanding Reality Competition Program: (The Amazing Race/American Idol/Dancing With the Stars/Project Runway/So You Think You Can Dance/Top Chef): TOP CHEF. They make beautiful food and manage to do it without coming off as ridiculously staged and over produced like most other reality shows, cooking themed especially (Gordon Ramsay I am looking at you).
  • Outstanding Reality Program (Antiques Roadshow/Deadliest Catch/Hoarders/Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List/Mythbusters/Undercover Boss): Mythbusters. Why is anything else even nominated?
  • Outstanding Host – Reality Show/Reality Competition (Tom Bergeron/Cat Deeley/Phil Keoghan/Jeff Probst/Ryan Seacrest): I don’t like any of these people. Sorry.

I’m not going to say anything about the Miniseries business because the only one of those I saw was The Kennedys. I made it through two episodes and it was awful. As long as they don’t get any awards I’ll be happy.

Love, Amy


An Open Letter To The Gamer Boys In Starbucks

Dear Gamer Boys,

Hi. I’m sitting behind you. The one of you wearing glasses can see that I’m here and is maybe catching on to the fact that I keep accidentally staring. Sorry.

You are playing either a mafia or Harry Potter game, I can’t tell because you keep switching the conversation back and forth between both topics. Glasses Gamer’s coffee is too sweet. I’ve been there, that’s rough. Sorry about that too.

Upon closer inspection, you are both wearing glasses. The above references were to the one of you who didn’t bring his own mouse mad and wireless mouse. Now I’ll have to refer to you as Tanner, because I am 95% sure that you could be the shorter identical twin brother of the guy named Tanner who lived on the boys floor of my dorm at UO. I think actual Tanner might have gotten married, in which case, congrats, actual Tanner.

Okay. Now it sounds like you are planning to kill Voldemort. Judging by the one screen I can see, you are in the Forbidden Forest and Voldy is upping his defenses so you are now showcasing your flexibility skills and sparing him, but killing someone else (a Death Eater, I assume). Now there is a role switch? I don’t even know that that is.

Wait now I get it. There are two games. HP and some mafia thing (I did a little research and I think it is this). I’m really impressed that you are playing at a Starbucks instead of in a basement somewhere. I mean, if I was on trial for a conspiracy against the town I would probably just stay home and cry so good job facing your troubles head on in public. You also both look relatively normal, well-adjusted, and recently bathed. You have forever changed my perception of gamer boys.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Stephanie From The Biggest Loser

Dear Stephanie,

Hello, lovely. You were quite possibly my favorite contestant of your season, so it’s great to be seeing you around town all the time! First it was at The Farm of Beverly Hills at The Grove, and lately it has been at Petco. Looks like you have a cat which is adorable. Just thought I’d write you to say hello and I hope to see you again soon. Good job being one of the most normal and well-adjusted reality show contestants in the history of reality television.

Love, Amy

P.S. You always have on a cute outfit. Let’s go shopping together.

An Open Letter To My Grandma

Dear Grandma,

Thank you for the cookies you sent which arrived Wednesday afternoon. It is now Friday afternoon and they are completely gone. Dusty and Jerry had a few, but mostly I ate them. None of my pants fit anymore but it was worth it. You were worried they’d be stale, but no. They were heaven. It was almost like being back at Trask River Road. My next request is an entire berry pie, though I know that will be difficult to mail, so it’s okay if I have to wait until I am home. Curious kept smelling at them, I think they remind her of you. Miss you.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To My Allergies

Dear Allergies,

Thank you for not happening this year. As much as I miss Oregon, I do not miss you and am so glad that you apparently don’t exist in Los Angeles. Usually around by this time of year I have spent upwards of forty dollars on Kleenex and allergy medicine, but since I haven’t had to do that this year, I guess I get to make a fun trip to J. Crew! All those sale dresses aren’t going to buy themselves.

You’ve really done me a giant favor by not following me south. Those drives from Eugene to Hillsboro that took me through Linn County “The Grass Seed Capital of Oregon” were a whole mess of sneezing misery and I after 21 years am glad to put an end to it. Maybe the most comforting words my dear father ever said to me were “look, Amy, they’re bailing all that hay which means they cut the grass and the pollen is all gone.” That man knew how to make me feel better in times of desperation.

Thanks again and I hope you didn’t make everyone who is still up there hate themselves the past two months.

Love, Amy