An Open Letter To Newton’s Fruit Thins

by Amy Lindorff

Dear Newton’s Fruit Thins,

Stop it. I understand Fig Newtons but stop trying to pretend that you are a traditional cookie. If I am going to eat a cookie I want it to be a real cookie. Not a glorified fruit crisp. Don’t get me wrong, I love snacks that include fruit, I just think it is ridiculous to be marketing yourself as a cookie. Cookies are one of two things. They are either made with loads of real butter and sugar (and usually chocolate chips) and are thick and chewy and made by my grandmother or they are Uncle Eddies Vegan cookies. The second option obviously doesn’t involve real butter and isn’t made by my grandmother but are very nearly equally delicious. THOSE are cookies.

This lady knows a thing or two about making cookies and she frowns on your attempts.

I looked at your ingredients list, and you seem to be made of decent things, especially compared to other kinds of snack food (although the lack of any kind of citrus in the ‘cranberry citrus’ flavor seems strange). I just wish you would stop telling your self you are a cookie when you clearly aren’t. It isn’t the dried cranberries. I’ve had real cookies made with dried cranberries and they were fantastic. It’s just very upsetting to me that you are ruining cookies by pretending that you, clearly a health food snack that I am not against in general, are anywhere near a real life cookie.

Love, Amy

P.S. Chocolate raspberry is not an “unexpected flavor” so you can stop pretending on that front as well.

P.P.S. Yes, that is me in baby form on the far left.