An Open Letter To Jake Pavelka

by Amy Lindorff

Dear Jake,

So you were eliminated from yet another reality show. Are you done with this experiment yet? Are you going to go away now? Last night, despite your best efforts, your fellow Bachelor Pad cast mates sent you on your merry way, “alligator blood” and all. Did you ever find out from Kasey what exactly he meant by saying you had “alligator blood?” Did he mean you were cold? Is this a thing people say? You said yourself that what you really have is “mental durability, physical strength and problem solving.” Are these alligator traits? I’m going to assume Kasey isn’t the brightest, especially since he is ‘dating’ your former fiance, Vienna. You really dodged a bullet there. That lady is NUTS and apparently a synchronized swimmer. I thought those only actually existed in the Olympics and Pushing Daisies (omg remember Pushing Daisies?? I wish ABC would air two hours of that instead of Bachelor Pad – will you pass along that bit of programming advice for me, please? K thx.) And even the Olympians maybe don’t make a big deal about it.

Can’t say I’m sorry to see you eliminated though. You mix your metaphors and are generally the most annoying person ever. On this show that is quite an accomplishment. It’s too bad you didn’t have a chance to take your relationship with Erica’s fake boobs to the next level. Someone should give her her own show on E! though, because she’s hilarious. I’m sure she’d let you make an appearance every now and then.

Watching this episode put me at about the four hour mark of Bachelor Pad watching time, which is apparently my limit. I’ve tried with the past couple Bachelorette/Bachelor seasons and had to stop this far in with those as well. I think I only last long enough to reassure myself that, by comparison, I am definitely not a crazy person when it comes to boys. So thanks to you and the rest of these idiots for the self-esteem boost, and I wish you the best in the rest of your (hopefully not televised) endeavors.

Love, Amy

Bonus Open Letter To Kasey: thank you for the best quote ever, “it’s funny, she called jake a fame whore, but she’s more of a fame whore than he is. I love her more than anything.” I’m totally buying this made up story that you guys are in love and not dating because the producers told you to. Also, every time you call Vienna your girlfriend I think of Michael Scott talking about Jan on The Office. Which is nice because it means I am going to go get my Office DVDs and watch that instead of this mess. AND, your little pre-engagement ring stunt reminded me of Arrested Development, so now I have at least six seasons of television to watch before I slum it with Bachelor Pad again. You’re an angel sent from heaven.

Extra Bonus Open Letter To The Rest Of The Cast: everyone please learn when to correctly use “I,” “me,” and “mine.” Or don’t, because I am not watching anymore so it won’t be me who is annoyed!