An Open Letter To Babies
by Amy Lindorff
Yesterday, I mentioned to the US Economy that though it was causing many women to put off having a baby, I am not one of those women. In fact, I am putting off having one of you because it means that A TINY TINY HUMAN LIVES INSIDE OF YOU FOR THE BETTER PART OF A YEAR. First it isn’t in there and then all of a sudden it is in there but is only made of like eight cells total and then all of a sudden it has hands and a giant head and it is swimming around connected to you by a cord through which it eats everything you eat. Then it comes out of you and things get even more intense. It is alive. And you made it inside of you and it came from nothing and it needs you to give it everything and it can’t walk or talk to you and what if it doesn’t like the same TV shows you do, and you have to teach it to read and write checks. It never goes away. You have it FOREVER.
I’m not against you in general. My sister was an awesome baby. I have met a number of other babies that I didn’t have any sort of problem with other than that they were once nothing and then became a real live human thing inside of another human. We all started that way and it should make sense since it’s how the world works, but I am not at the point in my life where I can get past the weirdness. I’m really sorry.
Maybe someday I will want one of you. Or maybe I will end up like Helen Mirren, who agrees that you guys are fine, but also pretty weird and she just can’t get into the idea. Ending up like Helen Mirren wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, but I am young, so I’m willing to revisit this at a later date. I’m probably going to need at least five years. Maybe even longer. We’ll see.