An Open Letter To Taco Bell

by Amy Lindorff

Dear Taco Bell,

Remember The Magic School Bus? They were books about a school bus that would take the students on magical and educational field trips. Once they went to outer space, once into a hurricane, etc. This would teach the reader something about the subject but in a fun way! I loved these books as a child. Then they made it a TV show, which I also loved. One episode made a distinct impression on me. I had read the book version of it too, but the animation made it all the more memorable. That episode was called “Inside the Human Body.” The school bus, and students, got trapped inside of student Ralphie, who was home sick.

Eventually, the class reached a point where they had learned enough and needed to get back out of Ralphie. How did they do this? By making him throw up. Because that is how things get out of humans when they don’t belong.

For example, say that I was to go to your location on Beverly near La Cienega and pick up one of those flatbread things you have for 99 cents because I am more and it was all I could afford for lunch that particular day. Say this day was yesterday. It is possible that after eating this I would not feel so great. I have never had problems with you in the past but yesterday something was clearly wrong. Then it is not just possible, but highly likely that multiple food poisoning symptoms appeared and necessitated an embarrassing CVS run (which is saying something since I am the girl who once bought tampons, a frozen pizza, and two bags of candy at that same CVS). So thank you, Taco Bell for the food poisoning. That was a blast. I had never had it before and since I would never like to ever have it again, I will no longer be eating at your establishment. As fun as it was to think about The Magic School Bus again, I would have preferred say, to go snorkeling and remember the book when they visited the ocean floor. It’s probably for the best though. Now I will never again succumb to you and that jalapeno cheese sauce you put on everything. I’ll give all my Mexican food money to Plancha, a place that really deserves it.

Love, Amy