Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Month: November, 2011

An Open Letter To Barbara Walters

Dear Barbara,

First People named Bradley Cooper as sexiest man alive and included Tim McGraw on the list (do people actually still think about him? His he still a thing? If he is, I apologize to him for not caring about him since the 90s). Now you have included the Kardashians on your list of 2011’s 10 Most Fascinating People? Did everyone forget how to make lists?

“Fascinating” is defined by the dictionary that came in my computer as “extremely fascinating.” Nothing about the Kardashians is extremely fascinating. We already know every single thing about them. There is nothing extremely interesting left.

I would excuse this if you had just picked Rob and left everyone whose first name starts with a ‘K’ out of it. Rob I actually kind of like, since his Dancing With the Stars run. He was sort of adorable and not a bad dancer. I would be interested in learning more about him. The rest I am only interested in as characters on SNL. Sorry.

Love, Amy

P.S. Can’t for the big reveal of your number one Most Fascinating Person. Given your inclusion of these idiots, I bet it’s going to be really good.

An Open Letter To This Leather Jacket

Dear This Leather Jacket,

If you were actually leather, not polyurethane, you would be perfect and I would snap you up in no time. So close.

Love, Amy

 

An Open Letter To My Old Barbie Roller Skates

Dear Barbie Roller Skates,

Hey, guys.

These are the same ones, but not my pair.

Haven’t thought about you for a while, but I hope you are still comfortably resting somewhere in my mother’s garage. I still feel bad that I only used you a few times, but we both know that I was not the most coordinated child, so it’s probably for the best. If it makes you feel any better, I thought about you a lot growing up and imagined a world in which I rode you all the time and the whole neighborhood was ridiculously impressed with my skating skills. It’s just that in real life, I spent more time playing with actual Barbies and dressing up for Halloween as “Super Hero Barbie.” If I had been smart, I would have gone for the trifecta and been “Roller Skating Super Hero Barbie.” Now THAT would be a Halloween costume.

Love, Amy

P.S. I hope that your matching elbow and knee pads are still keeping you company.

An Open Letter To Louis CK

Dear Louis CK,

I didn’t think Parks and Recreation could get any better, but oh my god you are making my dreams come true.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Deschutes Brewery

Dear Deschutes Brewery,

Thanks for making Jubelale available at the Whole Foods I go to in Los Angeles. It was my contribution to a beautiful Thanksgiving dinner (thank you, Aunt Diana) and today I will probably get some more to celebrate what would have been my father’s 57th birthday. He was a big fan of the stuff and I very much wish that he was here today to drink some with me.

Happy bday, Daddy.

Love, Amy