An Open Letter To Beyonce’s Unborn Child
by Amy Lindorff
Dear Beyonce’s Unborn Child,
Just watched Katie Couric interview your mom on 20/20. While I still can’t handle the fact that you are in there, swimmin’ around and everyone is just going along as if this is totally normal and not the weirdest thing ever, I will pretend to be okay with the idea of babies for this letter.
First, please let your mom know that I’m sorry Couric was so overly enthusiastic about things, and even leaned in closer when asking if Beyonce really does crave all those weird foods. Lady needed to calm down, am I right? I bet you could see her teeth flashing against the lights as she smiled wider than even Julia Roberts (she’s “that toothy girl from Mystic Pizza,” don’t worry, you’ll learn) does. I’m also really sorry that Couric just went ahead and rubbed the baby bump without asking for permission. Talk about a lack of boundaries. Try not to be too scarred by that, you’ll be okay.
Second, what’s it like for you when she dances? I mean, she was still doing concerts for a little while you were in there. I guessing you were shaken around a bit. Are you going to be born with a natural dancing talent as a result? I hope so.
Third, I am preemptively jealous of all the sweet clothes and shoes your rich parents are going to buy you.
Finally, Couric kept talking about how your mom’s bestie, Kelly Rowland, has referred to you as a she. I beg to differ. Your mom is keeping it quiet, but every time this came up she put her finger to her chin and said “hmmmm.” On that finger was a giant blue ring and it was accompanied by a ton of other blue jewelry, so you are obviously a boy. I’m calling it right now.
P.S. Someday you will also learn that Parks and Recreation is the best television show ever made and will find the Parks reference in this letter. I won’t spoil the surprise for you. It’s a good one.