An Open Letter To All These People I Met At The Airport Yesterday
by Amy Lindorff
Dear All Of You,
Wasn’t yesterday fun? All that fog in San Francisco really threw us all off. I’d like to take a moment to address each of you individually.
The Old Guy in the Hat: You seemed to be having the most difficult time of all of us. I ran into you first when I sat down at our SeaTac gate. You were sitting peacefully staring at nothing with your bags at your feet. Normally, I would suggest that you bring a book next time, but it was five AM, so I understand if all you wanted was to blankly stare at the ground until a proper human waking hour. Then our flight was delayed an hour. No one was quite as upset as you. Moments later your face dropped even further and you grabbed your phone to make an urgent call. I wouldn’t have eavesdropped except that your booming voice was all anyone at the gate could hear. Though if I had woken, groggy and sleepy eyed, at three AM to make photocopies of my credit cards to keep in my safe while I was in Puerta Vallarta, and then forgotten them on the machine before I left for the airport, I probably would have been yelling a lot too. That is not ideal and I’m very sorry. I also have some questions: Why didn’t you do that days before you left? Why didn’t you check that you had the cards before you left, especially since you haven’t booked your return trip yet? Who is this Brian guy you were yelling at and why was he getting “all muffled?” Who is Bianca at the office? Why does ‘Mother’ have to second day UPS the cards to you in Mexico, shouldn’t this Bianca person be able to do that? Finally, I totally agree with you that UPS “ships all over the goddamn world.” Not sure what Brian was trying to tell you, but I don’t see why Mother won’t be able to get the cards down to you. Fingers crossed for success.
The Old Guy With No Hat Travelling With His British Wife: I’m very happy that you managed to get a room in the resort that doesn’t look out onto the pool so you don’t have to hear “all those kids up all night doing all that whistling and screaming.” Enjoy your relaxing New Year’s trip to Puerta Vallarta and thanks for saving my seat while I sorted things out with the Alaska Airlines customer service desk.
The Man In The Seat Next To Me, SeaTac to SFO: You’re welcome for switching seats with you so that I could have the window and you wouldn’t feel “penned in.” Sorry I laughed out loud and sort of in your face when your wife screamed as she was startled awake when the baby in front of us coughed. What I am not sorry about is denying your request to shut the window shade. You’re the one who wanted to leave the window seat and did you even look outside at what I was seeing? True Seattle morning beauty. We were, to paraphrase Louis C.K. sitting in chairs in the sky flying through the air like a bird. If you are not amazed and humbled by that, I cannot help you.
Finally, it really wasn’t necessary to get all passive aggressive and rude at the guy behind us who put his carry ons in the overhead bin the wrong way. Not everyone flies all the time, and he was old. Just adjust it for him and move on to being passive aggressive and grouchy about how the UO Ducks had “ugly Phil Knight helmets” in the Rose Bowl. P.S. I am the first to complain about the way athletic funding at UO works, but griping about the UO uniforms is SO 2011. Your New Year’s resolution should maybe be to complain in public about pointless things a bit less.
The Mom In Front Of Me Travelling Alone With Her Baby: Please do not worry at all about the two drops of juice that sprayed on me after you opened it for your baby forgetting that there had been a significant change in air pressure. Two drops of juice is nothing and it isn’t like I had showered or put any effort whatsoever into my appearance anyway. Also, you are alone with a tiny baby. We all understand that things aren’t going to go absolutely perfectly. And I really wish I had gone over and given you a hug when you were crying in SFO because we missed our connecting flight to Los Angeles and AirFrance was running late and everything was going wrong. You were doing a really good job and as far as tiny children go, your daughter was adorable and extremely well behaved, so nice work.
The Flight Attendants: For all the time you spend on planes, I’d think you’d pick up a fair amount of “pilot jargon” and wouldn’t have to have ridiculous conversations about how you don’t get it. Also, you two just made all women everywhere seem like idiots thanks to your word choice and giggles. Stop it.
The Older Married Couple Sitting Behind Me, SeaTac to SFO: I’m glad you managed to convince the flight attendants that your Kindle knock-off doesn’t completely power down ever because “it is Canadian.” Also, the word you were looking for was “pandemonium” not “paranoia” to describe the way everyone was trying to get off the plane after we landed and you are the loudest snorer I’ve ever encountered. Which is saying a lot.
The Lady Behind Me, SFO to LAX: You are a married woman and look like a Barbie doll so I’m thinking it is wrong of you to blatantly flirt with the single, middle aged, computer programmer sitting next to you. And nine dogs is too many for any family to own.
All The People Who Work For Alaska Airlines (Except Melissa C.): Thank you for being so helpful and kind. A lot of people were giving you a lot of trouble about the many delays and confusion, but you handled it well. Melissa, you are excluded because you were sort of rude to me and instead of telling me I had already been put on a new flight and had nothing to worry about, you said “just go back to the gate and talk to someone in San Francisco.” Thanks a lot for all your help and maybe consider different bangs.
Hugs and kisses to you all.