An Open Letter To Bachelor Ben

by Amy Lindorff

Dear Bachelor Ben,

First of all, I guarantee you that every single one of these ladies vying for you affection is too vain to take your last name should a wedding come out of this. ‘Flajnik’ just isn’t very glamorous. It isn’t your fault. Your piano playing and winery ownership will likely make up for this minor setback. Throw in those glamor shots the producers included of you carrying pieces of wood and you seem like a real winner.

It’s also good to know that you’ve “never juggled twenty-five women before.” I loved the way you said that as if it is a completely normal thing for guys to do. Please remember that one guy who has done this is Jake Pavelka and he is a million billion miles away from normal. Be careful.

Most importantly, be careful with these ladies. I refuse to learn their names until we are in single digits in case things get really ridiculous and I quit watching; don’t want to waste too much brain space on this for no reason but two of them had this exchange:

Girl 1 – Why does she hate me out of nowhere?
Girl 2 – ‘Cause that’s what girls do.

This is false. Girl 2 should have said, “’cause that’s what crazy, delusional, severly unhinged and emotionally unbalanced girls do.” Many are girls are really great and wonderful to each other. I have many of these kind of ladies in my own life. A special kind of girl apparently goes on The Bachelor, so watch out. You seem mostly decent so far (though I didn’t watch your turn on The Bachelorette so maybe I missed some of your own brand of crazy?), though your comment about how you are “loving the brunettes” seemed questionable. I’ll give you a few more weeks before I really pass judgement.

Love, Amy

P.S. At some angles you look a little bit like Alladin from Disney’s Alladin, but that is not enough reason to keep styling your hair the way you do. I’m sure there is someone on the production staff who can give you a new, improved look.