An(other) Open Letter To Commissary Coffee

by Amy Lindorff

Dear Commissary Coffee,

Look, I like you guys. Everyone who works at you is fantastic, the Egg Slut is almost always parked outside if I need a snack and your free WiFi works at a nice speed. But yesterday I ran into a serious issue. I don’t mean to be bossy (or judgmental but I’m totally going to be so get ready), but in the future please DO NOT allow people who have the following conversations to buy coffee from you and then sit at a table close enough to me that I can hear them (these are all exact quotes I dictated them because I could not believe my ears).

Conversation 1 (about the giant dog at another table nearby) –
Girl: I’ve got a dog that’s like sixty pounds.
Boy 1: Fer real? That’s f**kin’ heavy what you doin with that? He take care of you?

Conversation 2 (about recent film The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo) –
Boy 1: I thought the whole thing was gonna be hella crazy but then it just wasn’t. I mean it was a sexy movie though.
Boy 2: Aren’t they doin another one?
Boy 1: Yeah man there’s three books the next one is like ‘The Girl with Some Other Sh*t.’ Books are always better than the movie they probably rushed that sh*t to get it to two hours.
Girl: Yeah.
Boy 1: Like, I didn’t like they tried to make a parallel to the social welfare guy raping Mara Rooney and the dad raping the daughter before and it just didn’t work.

Conversation 3 (about Coachella) –
Boy 1: It’s three days two times! There’s two weekends that sold out in three hours.
Boy 2: Sh*t man, I’d be hella inta goin.
Boy 1: Yeah I’m down we shoulda got tickets it’s a hella lineup.
Boy 2: Honestly, Radiohead’s gonna kill it.

Conversation 4 (about a neightborhood in LA, I didn’t catch which one exactly) –
Girl: I mean, I didn’t mind livin there.
Boy 1: It was a good place geographically. Errythin was like ten twenty minutes and sh*t. I mean there’s something fun about the ghetto.

First of all, learn some new words other than “hella” and “sh*t.” Second, her name is Rooney Mara. Third, dogs don’t take care of people, even sixty pound ones. Fourth, there are actually three weekends of Coachella. Fifth, the word “everything” has a ‘V’ in it.

The only thing that made you letting these people near me worse was that right after I left you, I went to Plancha and EVEN WORSE people were there having a loud obnoxious conversation. None of my safe places are safe anymore and I’m scared, please help me.

Love, Amy