An Open Letter To Pete Holmes

by Amy Lindorff

Dear Pete Holmes,

Last weekend I had a dream about a really cool comedy show. It took place in the Cornelius 9 Cinema (9 for 9 screens), a small, independent movie theater in Cornelius, Oregon, the town over from Hillsboro, Oregon, where I grew up. It is (or was) also the meth capital of Oregon.

At this comedy show held in a movie theater, you and eight other comics (one being Michael Ian Black, which will become important later), were each assigned one of the theaters but instead of showing something on the screen you each just did a set that was written entirely about the positive and negative aspects of two different kinds of candy. I think you each got to pick the candy, but I’m not sure. All the candy was laid out on these giant tables in the lobby, where the popcorn should have been. Dream Amy thought to herself “oh, cool, Pete Holmes, I’ll go to his show.” So I got your candies and went and sat down in the theater. A couple minutes in, I realized that your candies were: gummies shaped like flip-flops (the base was yellow and the strap was a pinkish purple color) and ping-pong balls. Not candy ping-pong balls – just regular ones. (Side note: your show was titled “Thongs and Pong”) I was rightfully disappointed and snuck out, heading back to the lobby to give someone else a try.

Dream Amy struck up a conversation with the guy in charge of candy distribution, who said not to worry – he was a friend of the guy running this whole show and would hook me up with which ever candies I wanted. I asked who the guy was, and he pointed upwards. Sitting on top of one of the ceiling beams was Dennis Rodman. I didn’t have time to dwell on this, though, because during the entire conversation I had been snacking on M&M’s, picking out all the red ones. Turned out this was one of Michael Ian Black’s candies and I was ruining everything and he had me thrown out.

At some point I think the movie theater turned into The Grove because I definitely remember my cousin being there, serving food at what would be the equivalent of The Farm, which is where he works in real life.

I am not sure I want to know what any of this means. Especially the Dennis Rodman part. Also, as Awake Amy, I would like to assure you that I would never walk out on one of your shows because you are hilarious. I cannot apologize enough for Dream Amy’s rudeness.

Love, Amy