Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Month: April, 2012

An Open Letter To NBC

Dear NBC,

You are doing it wrong. What kinds of pills were you on when you decided “Yeah, let’s definitely bring back Grimm in August because the lead who we found on MTV’s Road Rules can totally act and this whole show is really solid and not boring at all but pull the last two ordered episodes of Best Friends Forever and air more of that Betty White show instead because people aren’t sick of her yet and Lennon Parham and Jessica St. Clair aren’t two of the funniest women on television right now which is saying a lot because shows purportedly about ‘ladies’ are super in right now.”

What kinds of pills?

Because these are the two dumbest things I have ever heard. I don’t care what the ratings or advertisers are telling you and I don’t care that you are running a business. In case you haven’t noticed, that isn’t something that has been going great for you lately.

But breaking everyone’s heart and denying them the pulled pork and delightful chemistry that BFF offers is very nearly true crime. You have murdered Wednesday night comedy, I hope you’re happy.

Love, Amy

P.S. Yeah, I signed this petition and then went back the next day to see if I was allowed to sign it again.

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An Open Letter To These Discs

Dear Discs,
You 5 pictured here are my best friends. Thanks for being so great.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Three People

Dear You Three,

I’m going to address you separately.

  • The guy who honked at me for 7 seconds on Beverly: THANKS. I get it. You are a better person than I am. You did the right thing, I did the wrong thing. You are better than me and I should just feel terrible forever for messing up. But guess what? No one got hurt, no one even came close to getting hurt, your luxury sedan (which I guarantee you overpaid for) didn’t get a single scratch and my cool car (which you can find more info on if you go to Hertz.com and search for the absolute cheapest rental they offer) has the same amount of scratches it started the morning with and everyone is fine. It is Sunday morning and we are all just trying to get somewhere and everything is going to be okay. I understood your angry message within the first three seconds of your honk. The last four were just mean. Get over yourself and have a beautiful day.
  • The two girls having brunch on 3rd and La Jolla: if I am in my bed eating the most delicious cookie of my entire lifeand drinking both a latte and a cup of coffee and I can hear you screaming with delight and gabbing about your boyfriends then YOU ARE TALKING TOO LOUDLY. I am not paying rent here so that I can overhear your convos. I am paying rent here so that I am close to Plancha. I don’t want to discourage your enthusiasm for life, but I also don’t care about your Coachella experiences.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To My Shower

Dear Shower,

As much as I hate to break it to you, lest I shatter your self-confidence, the only reason I am still using you every day is to procrastinate writing another 15-20 minutes. Somedays I go to work, but when I don’t, we both know that I’m here at home with you all day long. The only places I might go are King’s or Plancha and those people love me enough that they could care less if I have showered. So I’m not doing it for them.

I’m certainly not doing it for me – all I need is a quick face wash at your buddy the sink and I’m good to go. We both also know that I write almost exclusively from bed, and those blankets and pillows are the least judgmental friends I have. Not doing it for them either. You are just a way for me to feel like I’m not wasting time while I waste time.

Thank you for your services.

Love, Amy

P.S. Clean yourself, Mr. Lazy.

An Open Letter To Deadline

Dear Deadline,

You wrote: “Abraham Lincoln is coming to this weekend’s White House Correspondent’s dinner.”

I’m almost certain that isn’t correct. Thank goodness you clarified with this: “Actually the Great Emancipator isn’t coming but Daniel Day-Lewis, who plays the 16th President in the upcoming Steven Spielberg Lincoln film, is.”

You nearly got me!

Love, Amy