An Open Letter To Derek Wills

by Amy Lindorff

Dear Derek Wills,

You’ve got it all, so why are you so grumpy? You’re sleeping with the hot blonde (Ivy) get to pal around with Rebecca Duvall all day long now, can scream at Tom and Julia whenever you feel like it, and have a sweet New York apartment.

The only thing I’m worried about with you is something that started last week and continued into last night’s episode. You’ve got Karen’s Marilyn in your head. We’ve seen this kind of thing before on television: a hot, sexy, blonde gets in the head of a sort of weird looking, shaggy-haired, British accented, neurotic, sourpuss guy.

I’m talking about Gaius Baltar and Head Six.

If there is one character from recent television whose footsteps you probably don’t want to follow, it’s Gaius. Dude realllllly went off the deep end. Though I could easily see you with a harem of pretty lady followers who sit in circles around you and hang on your every word.

But there is some good news for you, Derek. Gaius himself was worried about you way back in the season four premiere of BSG. In that episode, he prays for a child named Derek. I can only assume this was you in another life. I’ll leave you with Baltar’s prayer – I hope it gets Karen-as-Marilyn out of your head, keeps you sane, and, if possible, shrinks your hair which was alarmingly tall this week. There’s gotta be a barber in New York City who can help you out with that.

Battlestar Galactica: Season 4, Episode 1 – “He That Believeth in Me”

God, I’m only going to ask you this one last time: Don’t let this child die. Has he sinned against you? He can’t have sinned against you. He’s not even had a life yet. How can you take him and let me live? After all I’ve done… really, if you want someone to suffer, take me. We both know I deserve it. Selfish and weak. I have failed so many people. And I have killed. I’m not asking for your forgiveness. I’m just asking that you spare the life of this innocent child. Don’t take him, take me. Take me, please.

So say we all, Derek. So say we all.

Love, Amy