Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Month: May, 2012

An Open Letter To Ryan Lochte

Dear Ryan,

Oh, sweet, sweet Ryan.
Four years could never be long enough to forget you. Let the countdown to Olympic Swimming begin. That Phelps boy got nothin’ on you, my love.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To People Worried Robert Pattinson Was Going To Ruin ‘The Hunger Games’

Dear People Worried Robert Pattinson Was Going To Ruin The Hunger Games,

Hi, as far as news items that fall under “a role Robert Pattinson would ruin,” we currently have bigger problems at hand.

I use “we” loosely because I don’t know what a Finnick is and haven’t read The Hunger Games. I’m not against them, they just happen to be books 156-158 on my To Read list so it’s taking a while to get to them. But none of these rumors matter anyway because Robert Pattinson has already been in Harry Potter and Twilight so if he’s experienced at anything it is acting in movie adaptations of successful young adult book series.

What should be a much, much larger, bright red flag of terror that everyone is currently waving is the idea of Pattinson playing any member of The Band in some kind of biopic.

THIS CANNOT BE ALLOWED.

I’m of the opinion that no biopic of The Band is even necessary because Martin Scorsese was kind enough to make a film called The Last Waltz which is almost too much fun and every person who has ever loved music should probably have already seen it. But if the powers that be are going to make a movie about The Band anyway then the least these powers could do is not ruin it with the vampire boy.

I’d love nothing more than to be pleasantly surprised by Pattinson turning out to actually be talented but it would be great if he could do this in a movie that doesn’t run the risk of tainting the music of a really great band.

Also he was in that elephants movie, he could have “showed off his chops” then if he had any.

So maybe let’s all relax about The Hunger Games for a minute and instead worry about Levon, Robbie and the rest of the boys. This is like when Nick Jonas said in Rolling Stone that he was “saving” his “Dylan phase.” None of it makes any sense, while Pattinson in The Hunger Games would be expected, given the roles he’s famous for. Right?

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Mad Men’s Social Media Team

Dear Mad Men‘s Social Media Team,

You guys go all out, I’ll give you that. But last night things went a little too far for my taste:

NO THANK YOU ON THE QUIZ FRONT.

What is this? College? Television is supposed to be fun and entertaining and full of scenes with Sally Draper and Roger Sterling being awesome and watching Pete’s slow demise and the new guy bitching about Megan owing him lunch money and watching Pete’s slow demise and, while we’re on the topic of Megan, Megan’s teeth.

My Sunday nights are supposed to be spent badgering Bridger about when I can come over to watch this magnificent show, not trying to remember everything that happened for a damn QUIZ. “Trivia game” sounds a little less intense, but now you’ve ruined it. Now we all know it’s really a quiz and everyone who scores under a certain acceptable level will wake up the following Monday morning to an angry letter from Don in the paper. We can’t take the pressure.

Love, Amy

P.S. Tell your friends in the promo department to keep up the good work. Stringing together 85 lines, all taken out of context really keeps us guessing.

An Open Letter To Television

Dear Television,

You know I love you. That hasn’t been an issue between us since I was in eighth grade and won my 13” telelvision in the magazine sale. Starting then it was That 70’s show reruns on The WB, Gilmore Girls, Everwood, and even the occasional One Tree Hill. There was even a brief period of time where my afternoons were spent watching The People’s Court. Less embarrassingly, it was on that television that I happened across the third season of Arrested Development, despite Fox’s best efforts to hide that show from anyone who wanted to watch it. I promptly went out and bought seasons one and two and watched them on a loop for probably four years. It was that show that really brought my love for you to a whole new level.

But now we are at an interested place in our relationship. We still love each other very much and over the last few years have explored new kinds of things. Things like Dancing with the Stars, and other things that one of my friends (who is at a similar place in his relationship with you) calls “the shitty shows”). But I’m okay with it. Whatever it takes for our love to stay strong. However, this is starting to take its toll. My Hulu queue is regularly at 12 episodes, and this doesn’t even include all the HBO and AMC shows I have to get creative to watch.

Television my dear, you have too many great things going on. Let’s review:

ABC – Happy Endings is done for now, but there’s still plenty to watch. Right now there’s DWTS, and Modern Family. Soon there will also be Duets (yeah, I’m definitely going to watch a show where Kelly Clarkson sings all the time) and The Bachelorette. I need to double check but it’s possible that both of these are going to be two hours a week. NBC – This is a big one. Smash, Parks and Recreation, 30 Rock, Community, Best Friends Forever (I STILL BELIEVE), Awake. FOX – Masterchef is starting up soon. That’s a two night extravaganza. CBS – thankfully there is nothing on this channel I’m interested in. Which just leaves AMC’s Mad Men and HBO’s Girls, and Veep.

Add to this The Daily Show, and Battleground, a Hulu original series that is surprisingly delightful and fun, featuring that guy from the Kay Jeweler commercials, the fact that I simply must rewatch all of Arrested Development for reasons that should be obvious to the entire television watching population of earth, and the news I got last night that I will soon be tearing through The Sopranos with a friend and I’m starting to feel a bit overwhelmed.

I really, really love you. I do. But you are asking a little too much of me. A relationship is all about give and take and right now you are both giving me too much amazing programming and taking too much of my time. We’ve got to figure out this balance ASAP because I’m losing my mind.

Next week I’m likely going to be starting full time work and then next weekend I’m going on an airplane trip. If we don’t get things settled before then, that Hulu queue might hit more than 20 episodes and we might not be able to save our love. If you have any ideas on how to solve this problem please let me know. We’ve invested too much in each other to give up now.

Love Amy

An Open Letter To The Word “Female”

Dear “Female,”

The number of times in my life (or even just in the last week) that I have typed you as “femail” is an assault on my own gender and I should probably be punished for my idiocy.

Apologies all around.

Love, Amy