Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Month: June, 2012

An Open Letter To MasterChef

Dear MasterChef,

Last season, I recapped you for Picktainment. It was a season full of the most exquisite food ever eaten by any humans in the history of everything, at least according to Gordon Ramsay. It was also a season full of Suzy and her stupid smirk. It was also a season in which Jennifer won. A fact I had to look up because she was that forgettable. She also happened to be a former Ms. Delaware. So there’s that.

This season, I will not be recapping you, mostly in thanks to the fact that my television does not currently have a power cord. Believe me – this fact has caused a fair amount of stress around my household. If that power cord was still in my possession, please believe I would be spending all my money on cable and DVR-ing the hell out of you and The Bachelorette. As it stands now, I have to watch everything on Hulu, meaning I’m a week behind on you.

But those audition episodes were comforting. By this I mean I won’t have to watch the rest of the season since everything is almost exactly the same. A few examples:

  • Chef Ramsay is introduced with the phrase “and then there’s this guy.” I’m paraphrasing slightly, but that’s basically what the announcer said. I never cease to be amazed by how much Gordon Ramsay loves himself. He’d be cut down to size if he knew the truth: he’s partially responsible for the loss of the aforementioned power cord. You see, thanks to him and his desire to open a restaurant at popular Los Angeles shopping destination, The Grove, The Farm of Beverly Hills was forced to shut down. Which meant my roommate was out of a job and moved away. When he did this, he cancelled cable and accidentally returned that cord with the cable box. Thanks a lot, Gordon.
  • Graham is gross and chooses to express this grossness by saying things like “great mouth feel.” The amount I am disgusted by this phrase cannot accurately be put into words.
  • Everything is still the best ever. The prizes are bigger than ever in MasterChef history and all the dishes are more exquisite than anything in the world, except for the awful dishes, which are the worst food known to man. The crazies are crazier than anyone in history as well. Apparently.

You tried to fool us by introducing a MasterChef trophy (which I don’t remember from last season, but given that I also didn’t remember who won, I am clearly not to be trusted) and some kind of food truck that lasted about a minute, but overall this season looks to be an exact repeat of the ridiculousness that went on last season. Sure, that’s likely true of most reality shows, but a person can only take so much Gordon and I’m thinking that I’m still over my limit from last summer. I might still tune in to see what kind of food these jokers are making, as I really do love to watch people cook. But this will only be the case if I don’t find a replacement power cord in the next few weeks and get myself some Food Network action. I’ll take Chopped and Iron Chef over you any day.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To The Gentleman In Front Of Me On Wilshire

Dear Gentleman In Front Of Me On Wilshire,

We shared the road this morning for a few brief moments. It started when you zoomed right up behind me and threw your hands in the hair when I stopped for the red light at Beverly Glen. The nerve of me! You and your Subaru Forester had PLACES TO BE. You must have been late because the second the light turned green you took your life into your own hands and screeched those Subaru tires right around me, upsetting the neighbors in the other lane, and zipped right out in front of me.

Then, all of a sudden, you made perfect sense. You made a right turn on Glendon. That is the turn a person makes if he or she is trying to go get a pizza at 800 Degrees. Please accept this letter as a formal apology for keeping you from that pizza for even a moment. I’m not sure they’re open at 9:30 AM on Wednesdays, but even if they aren’t, that line gets long. It’s never too early to wait for the kind of pizza they are making in there. I hope it went well and that you made it safely and speedily to all your other destinations today.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To FJ Cruisers

Dear FJ Cruisers,

I drove one of you one time (hi, John) very briefly, though the moment was not so helpfully extended by the parking security folk at LA Live. Once we got everything sorted out and I got the vehicle where it needed to be, I had mixed feelings. My first car was a truck so I get the joy of being up high and feeling like you really own the road. But I have also never felt so small within a box of moving metal.

It’s this second kind of feeling that I hope everyone who drives you remembers when they try to join me and my Hyundai in our lane. Generally, you guys need a lot of space and people should really be planning accordingly. My brakes are getting tired of accommodating you.

Safe travels to us all.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To The Ross At The Beverly Connection

Dear Ross,

Look, I didn’t mean to spill all that frozen yogurt in the shoe section. I promise I am sorry and you clearly saw that I did my best to clean it up. I love you and all your bargains please don’t ban me for life. It would only hurt you because we all know that Erica and I are singlehandedly keeping you afloat.

Love, Amy

P.S. I definitely saw a Pink Berry container in the kitchen gadgets so clearly I am not the only frozen yogurt offender.

An Open Letter To The Season Finale Of Mad Men

Dear Season Finale of Mad Men,

I cannot even begin to predict what you have in store. Lane already hanged himself, Pete got Rory Gilmore naked, and Peggy made her exit (I have some words for you about this below). Sally even “became a woman,” which prompted Betty to actually be a decent mother for the first time in possibly her entire life. What more could happen?

No matter what happens, the episodes that came before you this season were some of the best. Michael Ginsberg was one of my favorite new television characters since Chris Traeger came into my life via Parks and Recreation. This new kid from Mars really spiced things up this season. Not to mention all those snappy jackets. Though the highlight of the season (all of your forthcoming events excluded for now) might just have been watching Betty Draper eating Bugles. Those really are a great snack food. The only thing that could have been better would have been seeing her eat them one by one off her fingers, after using them as little finger hats, like all the pro snack eaters do.

So thanks for all the fun (Pete getting punched in the face was many different kinds of awesome), but let’s you and me get back to Peggy. It’s time for some serious talk about this issue. Peggy cannot be gone. It’s fine if she’s gone from Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, (is Pryce still in there, what with the hanging – how does all that work?) but she absolutely cannot be gone from the show for good. And I’m not interested in some kind of rare, cameo-style thing, where she shows up drunk once or twice a season to make everyone uncomfortable, like Duck did. You are the last episode of the season and I need you to have some Peggy news in store. Peggy keeps all those “gentlemen” in ties in balance. She also says things like “I’m Peggy Olson and I want to smoke some marijuana.” Has everyone forgotten that beautiful moment?

All I want from tonight is a little reassurance that there is more Peggy Olson out there in the future. I know you likely have a lot of tricks up your sleeve and I am ready to be dazzled and confused and have my mind blown, as always. But just a hint of where Peggy is headed would help put my mind at ease. Think about it. From you I go nearly straight into the final season of Breaking Bad. Only severely mental instability (of the absolute best kind) is going to come of that and we both know it. I need a few weeks of peace before that begins.

Love, Amy

P.S. All my fingers are still crossed for a spinoff and/or webseries called, I don’t know, something like “Roger Sterling Doles Out Life Advice To Sally Draper For Hours and Hours and Nothing On Television Has Ever Been Better.” That’s just a working title. Let me know if you have any better ideas.