An Open Letter To MasterChef

by Amy Lindorff

Dear MasterChef,

Last season, I recapped you for Picktainment. It was a season full of the most exquisite food ever eaten by any humans in the history of everything, at least according to Gordon Ramsay. It was also a season full of Suzy and her stupid smirk. It was also a season in which Jennifer won. A fact I had to look up because she was that forgettable. She also happened to be a former Ms. Delaware. So there’s that.

This season, I will not be recapping you, mostly in thanks to the fact that my television does not currently have a power cord. Believe me – this fact has caused a fair amount of stress around my household. If that power cord was still in my possession, please believe I would be spending all my money on cable and DVR-ing the hell out of you and The Bachelorette. As it stands now, I have to watch everything on Hulu, meaning I’m a week behind on you.

But those audition episodes were comforting. By this I mean I won’t have to watch the rest of the season since everything is almost exactly the same. A few examples:

  • Chef Ramsay is introduced with the phrase “and then there’s this guy.” I’m paraphrasing slightly, but that’s basically what the announcer said. I never cease to be amazed by how much Gordon Ramsay loves himself. He’d be cut down to size if he knew the truth: he’s partially responsible for the loss of the aforementioned power cord. You see, thanks to him and his desire to open a restaurant at popular Los Angeles shopping destination, The Grove, The Farm of Beverly Hills was forced to shut down. Which meant my roommate was out of a job and moved away. When he did this, he cancelled cable and accidentally returned that cord with the cable box. Thanks a lot, Gordon.
  • Graham is gross and chooses to express this grossness by saying things like “great mouth feel.” The amount I am disgusted by this phrase cannot accurately be put into words.
  • Everything is still the best ever. The prizes are bigger than ever in MasterChef history and all the dishes are more exquisite than anything in the world, except for the awful dishes, which are the worst food known to man. The crazies are crazier than anyone in history as well. Apparently.

You tried to fool us by introducing a MasterChef trophy (which I don’t remember from last season, but given that I also didn’t remember who won, I am clearly not to be trusted) and some kind of food truck that lasted about a minute, but overall this season looks to be an exact repeat of the ridiculousness that went on last season. Sure, that’s likely true of most reality shows, but a person can only take so much Gordon and I’m thinking that I’m still over my limit from last summer. I might still tune in to see what kind of food these jokers are making, as I really do love to watch people cook. But this will only be the case if I don’t find a replacement power cord in the next few weeks and get myself some Food Network action. I’ll take Chopped and Iron Chef over you any day.

Love, Amy