Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Month: April, 2015

An Open Letter to the Vampire Squirrels of Borneo

Dear Vampire Squirrels of Borneo,

Congrats on your fluffy tails! You were probably always out there in the jungle going, “yeah, so here is my fluffy tail, guess I should wash it today, it’s pretty fluffy!” But now you have actual science behind you!

According to science, you have the fluffiest tails of all the mammals. What an achievement! How did you do it? Also, do you really attack deer and eat their internal organs? Because that is a pretty scary, but also badass, thing to do if it is true.

Enjoy your fluffy tails and I hope you find a deer heart to eat today!

Love, Amy

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An Open Letter to Spotify

Dear Spotify,

We are having a tiny problem, you and me, but I think it is just because we don’t know each other well enough. In an attempt to remedy this, here are some facts about me that are relevant to our relationship:

  1. I do not ever want to hear Adam Levine sing. I just can’t listen to it. There is something horribly disturbing about his voice and my ears, when they hear Adam Levine sound waves, start going “oh god no please no why is this happening what a horrible world in which we live.
  2. My ears don’t like to end sentences with prepositions if it can be avoided.
  3. This was one of the things they loved most about those Robert Galbraith books, which were otherwise just okay.
  4. You know that Jack Johnson song “Banana Pancakes”? I also never want to hear that song unless you can time it to perfectly coincide with a corgi butler bringing me both a cup of Coava coffee and a plate of, you guessed it, banana pancakes.
  5. That acoustic cover of “Crazy in Love” you found once that I’ve never been able to track down since? More of that.
  6. What if the “Sudden Rainstorm” playlist was a few hours longer? Like maybe as long as my workday? I’m starting to recognize rainstorms and that’s something a crazy person says.
  7. For that matter, how about all the “Focus” playlists are as long as the average work day? Is that a thing that could happen?
  8. “Check out your follow page to see who you’d like to follow” should really be changed to “Check out your follow page to see who we would like to trick you into following, probably because we will make some money if you do.” Let’s be honest with each other.
  9. “Canon in D” on a Thursday at 1 pm? Am I at a wedding? Please don’t.
  10. I’m sorry about the Taylor Swift business. That must have been hard for you.
  11. What if you didn’t play Frozen ads? Would you lose a lot of money? I don’t want you to lose a lot of money also goodness gracious that movie came out forever ago when do I get to not hear that song any more?

Hopefully with this information we can be even better friends and look forward to many hours of listening to music and drowning out the sounds of my office together. It’ll be great!

Love, Amy

An Open Letter to Halloween

Dear Halloween,

Let the record show that in March 2015, Jon and I decided what we would be for you. We will do it this time, we promise. I know last year we had it all planned out and then ordered in sushi and watched TV in bed instead. I know we let you down. But this year it will be different. This year we will come through for you.

See the thing is, we don’t really care about you. We are more of Thanksgiving people. Thanksgiving is the shit. You get to sleep in, watch some parade if you want (or just like, read a book, or do whatever), help cook a side dish or two, maybe try your hand at a turkey, eat tons of food, sit around with people you love, and just enjoy life. You don’t have to wear a costume or buy anyone a present, or do anything really. It’s great.

You, on the other hand, require a lot of effort. There’s the costumes, sure, but there’s also the debate about which party to go to, and then is it raining, and how will the rain affect the hair chalk I was going to use, and where will we park, and should we just get a Lyft, and is Lyft going to take every last penny from everyone’s savings because of surge pricing or whatever, and it’s a weeknight maybe so I can’t even be too hungover, and just on and on and who even cares. I will see all these people at another party in two weeks for someone’s birthday probably.

But this year you are on a Saturday and our costume plans don’t involve hair chalk, or even any kind of chalk at all! I won’t tell you what we’re going to be because the surprise is half the fun, but we are very excited and cannot wait.

So here’s to Halloween 2015, for which I won’t be totally lazy like in 2013 and just wear all my leopard print clothing items and call it a night. Don’t let us down.

Love, Amy