An Open Letter to Spotify
by Amy Lindorff
We are having a tiny problem, you and me, but I think it is just because we don’t know each other well enough. In an attempt to remedy this, here are some facts about me that are relevant to our relationship:
- I do not ever want to hear Adam Levine sing. I just can’t listen to it. There is something horribly disturbing about his voice and my ears, when they hear Adam Levine sound waves, start going “oh god no please no why is this happening what a horrible world in which we live.
- My ears don’t like to end sentences with prepositions if it can be avoided.
- This was one of the things they loved most about those Robert Galbraith books, which were otherwise just okay.
- You know that Jack Johnson song “Banana Pancakes”? I also never want to hear that song unless you can time it to perfectly coincide with a corgi butler bringing me both a cup of Coava coffee and a plate of, you guessed it, banana pancakes.
- That acoustic cover of “Crazy in Love” you found once that I’ve never been able to track down since? More of that.
- What if the “Sudden Rainstorm” playlist was a few hours longer? Like maybe as long as my workday? I’m starting to recognize rainstorms and that’s something a crazy person says.
- For that matter, how about all the “Focus” playlists are as long as the average work day? Is that a thing that could happen?
- “Check out your follow page to see who you’d like to follow” should really be changed to “Check out your follow page to see who we would like to trick you into following, probably because we will make some money if you do.” Let’s be honest with each other.
- “Canon in D” on a Thursday at 1 pm? Am I at a wedding? Please don’t.
- I’m sorry about the Taylor Swift business. That must have been hard for you.
- What if you didn’t play Frozen ads? Would you lose a lot of money? I don’t want you to lose a lot of money also goodness gracious that movie came out forever ago when do I get to not hear that song any more?
Hopefully with this information we can be even better friends and look forward to many hours of listening to music and drowning out the sounds of my office together. It’ll be great!