Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Category: Animals

An Open Letter to Elysia chlorotica

Dear Elysia chlorotica,

Dude. How do you even do it? Are you magic? Are you an alien from an advanced world?

By “it,” I obviously mean being the first known species to participate in “horizontal gene transfer,” by which I mean you steal genes from the algae you eat and then are just like, “cool, I’ll just be here doing photoshythesis all on my own, as if, I dunno, maybe I was a plant and not just a sea slug.” You’re just hanging out, literally stealing genes from another species

Follow up questions:

  1. Can you show me how?
  2. Does it work on cats, do you think? Maybe I’ll be a snow leopard someday!

Love,

Amy

An Open Letter To Tiny Kitten Out For A Walk

Dear Tiny Kitten Out For A Walk,

Someone already tried to find you using the internet, which brought you to my attention. I am very interested in you and your wellbeing. I hope that you are staying safe on the streets, looking both ways before you cross, not talking to strangers, etc. No tiny kitten should ever be in danger. That would just break my heart.

Maybe you are out on this walk with your owner and he or she has you on a little kitten leash. My mother does this with her cat, Samson, though he is the exact opposite of tiny. I won’t embarrass him by revealing his weight, but let’s just say he’s a big boy.

If you are out in the streets alone, I want you to know that you can always come to my door if you need a snack or a cuddle. I am very tiny kitten friendly. As an added bonus, there are tons of alley cats near my house so maybe you could make some friends!

It’s also possible that you are out on a mission. Walking with a purpose and specific goal. If that’s the case then I wish you well and hope you make it. Godspeed, tiny kitten. Enjoy your walk.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To This Unicorn

Dear Unicorn,

I have a lot of questions.

How much fun are you having?! Did you ever think that you’d be walking the runway at Fashion Week? Or walking any kind of runway in case this isn’t actually at Fashion Week (I’m too lazy to check, sorry). Did you help this gal find her cool blue lipstick? Did you see either (or maybe both) of the Olsen twins during this particular period of your life? How are you staying up on that dress? Are you sewn in? Hot glue? Buttons? Magic?

I don’t mean to bombard you, I’m just very surprised to see you here. I also love what you’ve done with your mane and tail.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Mini Chameleons

Dear Mini Chameleons,

I love tiny things. Tiny PostIts, tiny kittens, tiny glass jars, tiny cupcakes. Anything purposefully smaller than it should normally be I find just adorable. Which means you have finally brought me around to reptiles.

Big ones still freak me out like you wouldn’t believe but you are not even an inch long! How is that even possible? Hope you’re lovin’ life in Madagascar.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Any Bugs Living In My Kitchen

Dear Any Bugs Living In My Kitchen,

I hope you enjoyed the show last night when I opened the refrigerator door with my foot. I’ve got some serious balance skills and toe strength, yeah?

Enjoy the banana bread crumbs (do bugs eat crumbs?).

Love, Amy