Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Category: Things

An Open Letter to Spotify

Dear Spotify,

We are having a tiny problem, you and me, but I think it is just because we don’t know each other well enough. In an attempt to remedy this, here are some facts about me that are relevant to our relationship:

  1. I do not ever want to hear Adam Levine sing. I just can’t listen to it. There is something horribly disturbing about his voice and my ears, when they hear Adam Levine sound waves, start going “oh god no please no why is this happening what a horrible world in which we live.
  2. My ears don’t like to end sentences with prepositions if it can be avoided.
  3. This was one of the things they loved most about those Robert Galbraith books, which were otherwise just okay.
  4. You know that Jack Johnson song “Banana Pancakes”? I also never want to hear that song unless you can time it to perfectly coincide with a corgi butler bringing me both a cup of Coava coffee and a plate of, you guessed it, banana pancakes.
  5. That acoustic cover of “Crazy in Love” you found once that I’ve never been able to track down since? More of that.
  6. What if the “Sudden Rainstorm” playlist was a few hours longer? Like maybe as long as my workday? I’m starting to recognize rainstorms and that’s something a crazy person says.
  7. For that matter, how about all the “Focus” playlists are as long as the average work day? Is that a thing that could happen?
  8. “Check out your follow page to see who you’d like to follow” should really be changed to “Check out your follow page to see who we would like to trick you into following, probably because we will make some money if you do.” Let’s be honest with each other.
  9. “Canon in D” on a Thursday at 1 pm? Am I at a wedding? Please don’t.
  10. I’m sorry about the Taylor Swift business. That must have been hard for you.
  11. What if you didn’t play Frozen ads? Would you lose a lot of money? I don’t want you to lose a lot of money also goodness gracious that movie came out forever ago when do I get to not hear that song any more?

Hopefully with this information we can be even better friends and look forward to many hours of listening to music and drowning out the sounds of my office together. It’ll be great!

Love, Amy

An Open Letter to Robin Wright’s Throat Circle Thing

Robin-Wright-cast-of-House-of-Cards

Dear Robin Wright’s Throat Circle Thing,

Man, what are you? I’m guessing your are some combination of tendons and vocal cords and other throat area kinds of things, but are you like a common occurrence in female throats? Are you only present in Robin Wright? Are you the result of some trauma or procedure or just an anomaly? I am so curious about you because after three seasons of House of Cards, it’s safe to say we have spent some time together. I’ve stared at you for probably just shy of 39 hours (accounting for the House of Cards scenes you aren’t in). Someone has to know why you are there.

If you find that person and they would like to tell me, great. I’ll be in front of the mirror trying to figure out if I have one of you too!

Love, Amy

An Open Letter to Parks and Recreation

Dear Parks and Recreation,

I don’t think I am ready for this. I thought maybe it would be fine, because, whatever, you’re just a TV show and I am a grown adult human person. What’s the worst that could happen when you finally go off the air? It’ll probably be okay for a week or so. House of Cards will be on Netflix just a few days after your series finale and Vikings is back and also I think I solved the mystery of how to watch the new season of Broad City. (it is just on Hulu! So easy!)

But here is the thing about that: those shows aren’t you.

Because you are different. You are my favorite fictional people in one of my favorite fictional worlds. I love it all. I love Perd and Andy and Leslie and Joan and even that brat Greg Pikitis. You are a delight and even at your worst you are some of my favorite television in the history of all television I have ever seen (and I have seen a great deal of television; just ask Jon about the other day when we turned on the Apple TV and I had to quickly explain all those episodes of Friends with the little check next to them on the Netflix, or my old DVR, which faithfully held on to every rerun of The Mary Tyler Moore Show that aired during our time together).

I don’t really know how to describe it. You are just lovely. You’re like a best friend that you don’t really remember meeting for the first time, but who has always been there. You have made me laugh and cry at the same time more than any other piece of media. Those other shows are great too. I love watching them. But those shows aren’t comforting and wonderful in the same way that you are. You are just the greatest little television show and sometime in mid-April I will probably have a moment where I’m all “well, I guess this is the Saturday where I spend the entire day rewatching the entire series, pretending I haven’t seen it before,” just to relive the fun.

So thank you for all the magic and the fun and the Johnny Karate episode and Galentine’s Day and all of Leslie’s best friend nicknames for Ann and their awesome female friendship in general and drawing attention to the importance of breakfast food. Thank you for Lucy Lawless and Louis CK’s guest appearances. Thank you for that Twilight fan who handcuffed himself to that pipe (I think it was a pipe, maybe a chair?) in Leslie’s office. Thank you for Leslie’s binders and Lil Sebastian and for when The Decemberists performed. Thank you for Ben’s Letters to Cleo t-shirt and Cones of Dunshire and all of Leslie’s lines in the scene where Ben sat on the Iron Throne. Thank you for Shauna Malwae-Tweep, Ethel Beavers, Jean-Ralphio, Mona Lisa, Craig, Orin, Champion, and for the excellent arc of Andy and April’s relationship. Thank you for the Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness and for Ron Swanson in general. Thank you for all of Leslie’s dress shirts, especially those with fun patterns and also for that time she and Ben dressed up as Princess Buttercup and Wesley. God, thank you for just everything, okay?

I will keep watching all the television because there are lots of fun stories to watch and interesting characters to grow with. But I can’t imagine another show coming along anytime soon that is quite like you, with your wit, smart writing, and cleverness. Also thank you for life wisdom such as this:

“We have to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. But work has to come third.”

Love, Amy

P.S. During season two (or maybe three, whatever, it was early-ish on), a guy I was dating said, “I just feel like Parks and Rec has never done one single joke,” and man, did I get so mad. That relationship did not work out, and I believe that our fundamental disagreement about your quality was an early indication of our inherent differences as people. Maybe that is overstating it, but I do not care.

An Open Letter to My New Boots

Hey guys,

Welcome. You live here now, but instead of risking your cleanliness by shoving you under the shelf by the front door with all the other shoes, I’m going to keep you safe in the bedroom by the shoes I never wear. But don’t listen to what they have to say. The red boots that actually look kind of like you but have a taller heel will try to tell you that you’ll never get worn. But you feel like pillows and are a beautiful dark charcoal grey, where they are kind of uncomfortable actually and a weird red color that doesn’t really go with anything. They are ungrateful idiots who should just be glad I rescued them from some Urban Outfitters warehouse and at least gave them a nice home.

The black heels will also be like, “Amy is the worst and we just sit here doing nothing,” but guess what? They are the worst and pinch my pinky toe. So there. Honestly, where am I really going to wear a pair of black heels? Acceptable work attire at my place of business is bare feet and a hoodie.

But with you guys it will be different. As you know, you have already gone to work! Wasn’t it fun?! You even got to walk to the food truck and get a burrito. What a great day that was. You are comfortable and beautiful and practical for many occasions. I can dress you up or down and you go with basically all the clothes I own.

Here’s to a wonderful life together. I promise to get you resoled if needed and never only occasionally spill coffee on you while walking to the car in the morning.

Love,

Amy

An Open Letter to Season Four of the Television Show “Girls”

Dear Season Four of Girls,

How are you? No, really? Are you good? I just remembered that I watched the first eight minutes of you in bed an hour ago, while eating dinner. (Is eating a whole box of Annie’s Pizza Rolls dinner? I don’t know, I’m not in charge. But aren’t you proud of me that I didn’t order a family dinner portion of sushi on GrubHub as previously threatened?!)

Then I put my dirty plate in the kitchen sink and only just now realized I was in the middle of a TV show. I even took out the trash AND the recycling before I remembered about you. Probably you’re still there in the bedroom, waiting for the Apple TV screensaver to go away so you can start up again, but ugh, are you even worth it? I have a lot in my TV queue right now and also I just figured out how to work my sewing machine, so, I dunno.

Maybe the time isn’t right, but our paths will cross again in the future. Maybe by then I will remember what was going on with Jessa and that old lady. Let’s not force our relationship; things are best when they happen naturally, right?

Love,

Amy