Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Category: Uncategorized

An Open Letter to Wikipedia About Its Active Astronaut Pages

Dear Wikipedia,

Have you ever thought about having a special section for active astronaut pages that provides information on where they are at this moment? Like maybe under “Other occupation” it could say “Current location.” Potential answers could be “Earth” or “ISS” or even “En route to Mars” (I’m thinking ahead for you, here).

I think this could be a really great way to make your astronaut content even more great. I mean, if a human being is in space, I would love to know as much as possible about it. Because, okay sure – no one is walking around on the moon right now (that we know of at least!), but anyone doing anything in space sounds cool to me.

Let me know what you think.

Love, Amy

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An Open Letter to the Vampire Squirrels of Borneo

Dear Vampire Squirrels of Borneo,

Congrats on your fluffy tails! You were probably always out there in the jungle going, “yeah, so here is my fluffy tail, guess I should wash it today, it’s pretty fluffy!” But now you have actual science behind you!

According to science, you have the fluffiest tails of all the mammals. What an achievement! How did you do it? Also, do you really attack deer and eat their internal organs? Because that is a pretty scary, but also badass, thing to do if it is true.

Enjoy your fluffy tails and I hope you find a deer heart to eat today!

Love, Amy

An Open Letter to Halloween

Dear Halloween,

Let the record show that in March 2015, Jon and I decided what we would be for you. We will do it this time, we promise. I know last year we had it all planned out and then ordered in sushi and watched TV in bed instead. I know we let you down. But this year it will be different. This year we will come through for you.

See the thing is, we don’t really care about you. We are more of Thanksgiving people. Thanksgiving is the shit. You get to sleep in, watch some parade if you want (or just like, read a book, or do whatever), help cook a side dish or two, maybe try your hand at a turkey, eat tons of food, sit around with people you love, and just enjoy life. You don’t have to wear a costume or buy anyone a present, or do anything really. It’s great.

You, on the other hand, require a lot of effort. There’s the costumes, sure, but there’s also the debate about which party to go to, and then is it raining, and how will the rain affect the hair chalk I was going to use, and where will we park, and should we just get a Lyft, and is Lyft going to take every last penny from everyone’s savings because of surge pricing or whatever, and it’s a weeknight maybe so I can’t even be too hungover, and just on and on and who even cares. I will see all these people at another party in two weeks for someone’s birthday probably.

But this year you are on a Saturday and our costume plans don’t involve hair chalk, or even any kind of chalk at all! I won’t tell you what we’re going to be because the surprise is half the fun, but we are very excited and cannot wait.

So here’s to Halloween 2015, for which I won’t be totally lazy like in 2013 and just wear all my leopard print clothing items and call it a night. Don’t let us down.

Love, Amy

 

An Open Letter to Furbacca

Dear Furbacca,

Sorry to be rude but what is even the point of you. You have scary eyes and I can think of approximately 1,000 other things to do with $79.99.

If you are some trick to get us all excited about Star Wars Episode VII that’s really too bad because I think everyone is already full of sufficient excitement.

And are Furbys even a thing anymore? Please advise.

Love,

Amy