Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Tag: ABC

An Open Letter To Elan Gale

Dear Elan,

Hello, you are funny on Twitter and whatever but I have a really important question about the most recent episode of The Bachelorette.

Can you please tell me what each of these snacks are? Yes, cool that there’s a rose on this date, but is any of this bacon wrapped? If answer is yes, can I please be on the next season of The Bachelor as one of the ladies (provided same kind of snacks are provided)?

Are these the right reasons for being on the show? That’s what everyone is always referring to, right?

LMK.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Robin Thicke

Dear Robin Thicke,

I am trying very, very hard to like Duets. Jennifer Nettles seems to be able to sing anything and Kelly Clarkson is hilarious, adorable, and I’m currently going through a weird phase where all Spotify will play for me is her newest album (as well as a few older KC classics).

But you’re ruining it for everyone.

John Legend is a real bore, but isn’t doing any harm. You, on the other hand, are absolutely unbearable. During the premiere I figured maybe you were just excited and going overboard, but that you’d calm down after all the first show excitement wore off. Not so. This week featured even more nonsense, including quotes such as “you look like a bag of Skittles and I love Skittles” (the gal in question was wearing mostly black and I’m almost certain there’s no black Skittle) and that very strange sandwich analogy you made. I know a fair amount about sandwiches and that thing made no sense.

Quddus has been doing a good job of holding it together – in all his wide-eyed, semi-permanent state of surprise. He’s at his absolute best when he reveals that the first person to perform has the number one spot on the charts. As if that’s a surprise. Kelly has also been making things more bearable by speaking for me in reaction to your sandwich bit: “WHAT?” I did appreciate you giving Olivia a hard time for not learning the lyrics – but again, Kelly said it best: “wasn’t it just the one lyric? All I heard was ‘where is the love.’”

I want to like the show because the child I once was who was pretty sure she would be great in a girl band with Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears (with the occasional male backing vocal by Justin Timberlake, because these were the late nineties) loves to see normal people who all seem nice enough performing on stage with “superstars.” Especially Clarkson and Nettles. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not always up on the cool new act in music these days, since, other than those Spotify problems I’m having, I listen almost exclusively to The Band and The Black Crowes. John Legend I’d heard of; you I had to look up. Until I’d done that, I wasn’t sure you weren’t the dad from Growing Pains. The internet (and Quddus) tell me that you do music things and are somewhat popular. So that’s nice for you, but I’d prefer if you were not quite so much to handle.

Every reality show has the crazy judge – I know this. Dancing With the Stars has Bruno, all those Gordon Ramsay shows have, well, Gordon Ramsay, America’s Next Top Model had Janice Dickinson for a while. But Duets already has Jennifer Nettles and her brand of crazy (featuring two sequined vests in as many weeks) is much more enjoyable than your brand of creepy.

But all of them are at least a little bit fun to watch. You’re just creepy. So could you maybe tone it down a little bit? Also, will the show always be a two hour event? Because I’m not sure I’ll be able to stick with it if that’s the case. Let me know on both fronts. I’m also a bit worried about your comment that next week is “Speedo Week.” I want no part of that.

Love, Amy

An(other) Open Letter To Tristan MacManus

Dear Tristan,

I’m really sorry that I haven’t written to you yet for the new season of Dancing With the Stars. If you can’t ever forgive me for my tardiness, I understand but I sincerely hope that you can find it in your sweet Irish heart to give me another chance. Whether you can or cannot, my love for you will never end, so know that I am always here for you.

Let’s pretend for a moment that you have forgiven me and that all is right between us. In that case, I have to congratulate you on making it through another week with Gladys. It would have been a real life tragedy if she had been sent home before Motown Week and everyone knows it. I can’t wait to see what kind of sweet moves you have in store for that sweet lady.

Speaking of how sweet she is, I am so glad that this season I can watch your segments without having to suffer through anything involving Nancy Grace. It’s great that you have a partner I actually like this season. Watching her dance can be a bit painful at times, but you two seem to have a ton of fun and at least aren’t as creepy as whatever’s going on between Roshon and Chelsie or Maria and Derek (the latter pair really needs to knock it off and someone tell Maria to take a calcium pill or something to keep the rest of her bones from shattering to pieces).

Best of luck on Motown Week and please, please, don’t ever learn to keep your tongue in your mouth.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To ‘The Bachelor’s’ Helicopter Pilot

Dear Helicopter Pilot for The Bachelor,

When is someone going to give you a show? I would gladly spend two hours every Monday night hearing about things from your perspective rather than watching Ben be weird around the remaining two boring ladies and Crazy Courtney.

You must have so many fun stories! Not only are you a helicopter pilot who has flown over Sonoma, San Francisco, Utah, Puerto Rico, Panama, Belize, and Switzerland (and that’s just this season!) but you’ve probably heard these looking for love weirdoes say all kinds of embarrassing things. I’m not sure when helicopters became the default mode of transport on this program but are you as surprised as I am that the ladies are still always so surprised to see you? And that they all develop crippling fears of heights and/or flying that can only be conquered through the power of love?

If the ABC execs ever do greenlight a reality series about your excursions, please tell them that I would like to be part of the production staff. OR, even better, I would love to (possibly along with Erica, my partner in Tumblr crime) be the writing staff for that show. Trust me – I’ve seen enough of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette to know the style. Maybe the show is about you looking for love among female (or male, if you are in fact a woman – girl power!) pilots. I would write all kinds of dialogue like this:

I’ve been so close to the action, seeing other people fall in love and find that person they’re supposed to be with. Now it’s my turn. I’ve been on the outside of this situation for so long and I need my time for me to finally stop flying other people to their love, and soar my way into the heart of the person I’m supposed to be with.

My email is in the sidebar. Hope to hear from you soon.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To This News Article

Dear Article,

Wow. A lot going on with you. A list:

  • Do I have to like Ashley Tisdale if Louis C.K. is willing to let her be in a show he wrote? I’m going to be my own person on this and go with no. I’ve seen more episodes of The Suite Life than I am proud to admit and she is just too much to handle.
  • ABC is doing a drama pilot called Beauty and the Beast? Do none of the executives remember that Once Upon A Time, another ABC show just did a Beauty and the Beast story and it was super lame?
  • Does any of TV really need another “fantasy reimagining” show?
  • I had no idea there had been a pilot called Poe. I would have watched that. At least until I read that it was a police procedural starring Poe. Maybe it’s for the best that that didn’t happen.
  • CW is also doing a pilot called Beauty and the Beast? There are other fairy tales, you know.

I have learned so much today and it isn’t even noon.

Thanks a million.

Love, Amy