Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Tag: birthdays

An Open Letter To Uncle Jerry

Dear Jerry,

This morning I went to King’s Road and continued reading Why We Broke Up, from where I left off last night. At one point, Min describes two girls at a part like this:

“Two girls had a stuffed greyhound, a hulking gray toy like a spoiling uncle would give…”

Somewhere in my mom’s garage I am certain there is still a shelf on the near life size stuffed Lassie dog sits, which I think you sent me for my first day of first grade, or maybe for a birthday, or maybe just because, because you have always been my spoiling uncle.

When, in fourth or fifth grade, I found out that you would no longer be working at Cartoon Network a wave of panic washed over me. If you weren’t working there how would I get all that sweet Powerpuff Girl swag? It was almost too much for my nine-year-old self to handle.

Little did I know, the spoiling hadn’t yet even begun. It would be another 13 or so years before it really kicked in. First, you spoiled me (and my dear sweet Emily sister) by staying with us the week that Dad died. You drove me to the hospital at ungodly hours of the morning (for me at least, you just love that time of day) and then to Target for some still-in-shock-and-not-sure-how-to-handle-this nail polish purchases.

THEN, it continued. In August of 2010 you moved to Blackburn because of me and let me live with you and gave me a bed and a roof and salmon dinners and coffee and advice and lots of laughs. Then almost exactly a year ago, you let me come back and live in your living room and take over the house and sleep on your couch. You made a life in Los Angeles possible and encouraged me to write.

Obviously this could go on for thousands of more words, but I’ve said it all to you in person (or at least I hope I have; I’ve certainly thought it all). The book, Why We Broke Up, is only the most recent way you’ve spoiled me. I can’t wait for you to read the version I write, which I am almost certain was the reason you gave me the book in the first place. Both to encourage me to write and to encourage me to get all of that particular story down on paper, instead of babbling about it to you. Your patience on that front is a million different kinds of impressive.

Happy birthday.

Love, Amy

P.S. I am still in the process of training my iPhone to stop switching “Jerry” to “Kerry.” It’s a slow learner, but I refuse to give up.

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An Open Letter To Alexander Hamilton

Dear Alexander Hamilton,

Happy birthday, hot stuff! Your illegitimate birth never did bother me, and thanks for helping found the US Mint. I will only be spending cash in increments of ten in your honor today.

Love, Amy

P.S. Eff that jerk Aaron Burr, am I right?

An Open Letter To Everyone I Know

Dear Everyone I Know,

FYI it is only one month until my birthday. Plan accordingly.

Love, Amy

P.S. I also like candles and chocolate.

An Open Letter To Amy Poehler

Dear Amy,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I cannot even begin to describe the joy that you have brought into my life. Kaitlin at the Mall. Kaitlin’s Instrument. The Kaitlin sketch with Tom Brady in which Kaitlin does the Chicken dance. Every movie I’ve ever seen with you in it. Gob’s wife on Arrested Development. That UCB Asssscat that is streaming on Netflix. And this is all even before Parks and Rec which I cannot stop watching. Trust me, I’ve tried. It’s becoming a problem. I hope that your birthday is everything you hoped and dreamed it would be and that it continues well into Sunday and you win all the Emmys, especially Outstanding Actress in a Comedy Series. You are so so funny and anytime I am sad all it takes is any one episode of Parks to cheer me up. Thank you for all the laughs and I can’t wait for the new season of Parks and Rec and anything else you are doing in the future. Have a wonderful birthday.

Love, Amy

P.S. Tell your husband, Will Arnett, that I am so glad Up All Night is pretty funny. I was worried about him after Running Wilde didn’t do well, so this is a relief. He is so funny and I want great things for him. Fingers crossed for him at the Emmys this weekend to make it a double win in your house.

 

An Open Letter To Emily

Dear Emily,

Happy birthday, kid sister. When you were born, I was playing with Michelle and Ryan on their giant Rainbow Playground at the Carlton house. Then we drove to the hospital and I met you. You had a lot of hair. After a while, you grew up a little and got super adorable:

Being the baby, you got everything I ever wanted. The playhouse in the backyard, the play kitchen in your room. A loft bed. One of those rugs that doubled as a town for Hot Wheels to drive on.

Now you are super old and almost a real person. You still have lots of hair though, and since I know what present Mom got you, you can rest assured you are still getting everything I’ve ever wanted. I hope Samson is nice to you today and that Grammy made you all kinds of delicious treats. Wish I was there.

Love, Amy