Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Tag: books

An Open Letter to Ridley Scott

Dear Ridley Scott,

Today I saw this doodle you doodled and got REAL excited:

#teamdoodleoneverything

I listened to The Martian on Audible in just three sittings and it might just be the best book I’ve read in years. Probably this movie will be great, but I would like to go on the record as saying “Please don’t mess this up,” just in case.

Love, Amy

PS: Will theaters be serving Martian Coffee on opening night or what?

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An Open Letter To Amy

Dear Amy,

HOW DID YOU FORGET THAT ELIJAH WOOD WAS THE STAR OF FLIPPER?

How, how, how, how, how?

You know that you were really into dolphins for all of elementary school. You loved them so much. It started when you were assigned your very first major project in first grade: the mammals poster. Since you were always very good at art as a child, you already had a good handle on complementary colors and went with blue block letters that you painstakingly cut out of construction paper and glue-sticked on to an orange background.

Of course you remember buying the paperback book version of the classic dolphin film. You read that thing constantly. It featured tons of photos from the movie and you always kept in handy in case you needed a dolphin fix.

So how is it that your high school self didn’t put it together that the weird looking guy playing Frodo was in Flipper. What else have you missed? I’m now starting to question all your memories – I mean, it took you a solid ten seconds to remember who Rider Strong was when a lunch companion brought him up in conversation.

Get it together.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Good Reads

Dear Good Reads,

You’re one of my favorite websites, but this is confusing:

I was looking for Michael Ian Black’s newest book, You’re Not Doing It Right, and instead got Shakespeare AND D.H. Lawrence? I’m not mad at you, just confused. Can someone explain this strangeness to me?

Love, Amy

P.S. Yes, I know that I am 12% behind on my reading goal for the year, please give me a break, I’ve been BUSY.

An(other) Open Letter To Stephen King

Dear Stephen King,

As of this afternoon, I have read two of your books: On Writing (for an AP English summer assignment) and 11/22/63 (for funsies the last few weeks). I’m not going to wait around to tell everyone that the sentence “dancing is life” appears at least three separate times in 11/22/63 thus making it a book that I cannot recommend to others.

The reviews on Goodreads are all over the place, but mostly I agree with this guy named Brian about halfway down the page who said:

“Roger Ebert wrote of the movie Pearl Harbor that it ‘is a two-hour movie squeezed into three hours, about how on Dec. 7, 1941, the Japanese staged a surprise attack on an American love triangle.’ The paraphrase for King’s book is a natural: it’s a 200-page novel squeezed into 800 pages, about how on November 22, 1963, Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated the world’s most powerful love affair.”

Exactly.

You really could have done without half of every page, because half of every page was phrases like “as we know, class, the past harmonizes” ( page 815). YES WE GET IT. We have spent 800 pages reading this same phrase over and over again and here, and many other places, you are writing as if we are the dumbest people ever to read books. You seem to think we can’t remember character names and major plot points. If I wanted someone to make me feel stupid (when I know I am not) almost constantly, I know a couple guys who would be glad to be of service. Also, by page 815 you had said “the past harmonizes” about a million times, “the past is obdurate” another five hundred thousand, and added about one hundred thousand helpful parenthetical reminders that things were different in the ’60s than they are in the 2000s. Most people are aware of this.

People obviously really like you and you are really successful and I am probably in no way qualified to tell you any of this but it annoyed the hell out of me when I was reading. I only kept reading because the plot was fascinating and I HAD TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. It was like the last few seasons of Lost. I wasn’t completely enjoying myself and I was yelling at you a lot and the ending was only fine, but I was glad I got through it. It really was an interesting story and if I liked thrillers/horror novels I’m sure I’d have a very different relationship with you.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Every Bookstore I’ve Ever Been In

Dear Every Bookstore I’ve Ever Been In,

As much as I love you guys, I get so ridiculously overwhelmed when I think about you that sometimes I’m not sure I can handle it. I have 145 books on my to read list but every time I’m in one of you I find ten more.

Then I think about all the books I might be missing and that’s when the panic really sets in. Colum McCann’s Let the Great World Spin wasn’t on my to read list at first. I found it in Seattle when I was visiting Erin. It looked interesting and was reasonably cheap so I bought it even though I knew it would probably put me over on the amount of things I’d be able to fit in my two carry-ons for the flight back to LA. Thank goodness I did because it was one of the more amazing books I have read and not since I read The Book Thief have I reread pages multiple times because the writing was so fantastic.

And that’s the panic. If I hadn’t happened to pick the book up, if it hadn’t been prominently displayed on the shelf, I would have missed it. So how am I supposed to know about every great book that will make me feel like those two did? What if I miss more of them. There is some truly terrible writing for sale at every single one of you I’ve been to and I’ve been burned before. I will try to relax a little about this for now since I am going back to the next 600 pages of Stephen King’s latest so it will be a while before I need to make another reading decision. But please believe that I will be spending a lot of time making a decision when the time comes.

Love, Amy