Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Tag: cars

An Open Letter To 76 Gasoline

Dear 76,

Is the Gas for Life promotion only for men? Because in your commercial, all the midtorsos that lash by belong to gentlemen. Ladies fill up too, you know.

Also, do I have to lean casually against my car to win? I can’t do that because I haven’t washed my car in over a year and there may or may not be road kill blood on the driver’s side passenger door.

Love, Amy

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An Open Letter To The Gentleman In Front Of Me On Wilshire

Dear Gentleman In Front Of Me On Wilshire,

We shared the road this morning for a few brief moments. It started when you zoomed right up behind me and threw your hands in the hair when I stopped for the red light at Beverly Glen. The nerve of me! You and your Subaru Forester had PLACES TO BE. You must have been late because the second the light turned green you took your life into your own hands and screeched those Subaru tires right around me, upsetting the neighbors in the other lane, and zipped right out in front of me.

Then, all of a sudden, you made perfect sense. You made a right turn on Glendon. That is the turn a person makes if he or she is trying to go get a pizza at 800 Degrees. Please accept this letter as a formal apology for keeping you from that pizza for even a moment. I’m not sure they’re open at 9:30 AM on Wednesdays, but even if they aren’t, that line gets long. It’s never too early to wait for the kind of pizza they are making in there. I hope it went well and that you made it safely and speedily to all your other destinations today.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To FJ Cruisers

Dear FJ Cruisers,

I drove one of you one time (hi, John) very briefly, though the moment was not so helpfully extended by the parking security folk at LA Live. Once we got everything sorted out and I got the vehicle where it needed to be, I had mixed feelings. My first car was a truck so I get the joy of being up high and feeling like you really own the road. But I have also never felt so small within a box of moving metal.

It’s this second kind of feeling that I hope everyone who drives you remembers when they try to join me and my Hyundai in our lane. Generally, you guys need a lot of space and people should really be planning accordingly. My brakes are getting tired of accommodating you.

Safe travels to us all.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Two Boys I Know

Dear You Two Boys,

I AM VINDICATED.

Finally a scientific study confirms what I’ve always told you. You can both read it and weep. I always knew I had a killer “pre-parking pose.”

You both must be SO embarrassed.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Mercedes Benz

Dear Mercedes Benz,

You should have said “fewer doors” in your recent commercial, not “less doors.”

I’m probably going to get an Audi now, sorry.

Love, Amy