Dear Ralph Lauren Crew Neck Sweatshirts,
I bet you feel special. You feel like you are just absolutely fantastic because you cost $90 while the same sweatshirt goes for all of $4.99 at Target. Same, aside from the brand name and maybe a little thickness.
But let’s be really honest with each other, you and me. No one should spend over $5 on a crew neck, hoodless sweatshirt. Those things shouldn’t be worn out of the house. They are for lounging around in the house watching a full day of Mad Men to get ready for the season five premiere. They are what people wear when they are drinking a $75 bottle of wine their roommate may or may not have brought home from work. They are for eating an entire package of Oreos in two sittings (not a record by any means, but still requiring a Target wardrobe).
There are times that crew neck sweatshirts can be fun. For instance this one. Also, I will allow an L.L. Bean sweatshirt, despite the $40 price tag, both because I had kid slippers from there growing up (AND a very fashionable pink raincoat) and because they make a lot of cozy warm, no-nonsense outerwear for outdoorsy individuals. I was an environmental studies major, you know.
You’re the one I have a problem with. Ralph Lauren should not be spending his time making you. He should be spending his time making his dresses a little bit cuter.
The people who are suckered in to purchasing you should know: either get the Target version and spring for a red Sharpie with which to add the little polo guy and fool everyone, get the Jason Wu embellished crew neck to make a real fashion statement, or find a more flattering top to wear out in public.