Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Tag: clothes

An Open Letter To Ralph Lauren Crew Neck Sweatshirts

Dear Ralph Lauren Crew Neck Sweatshirts,

I bet you feel special. You feel like you are just absolutely fantastic because you cost $90 while the same sweatshirt goes for all of $4.99 at Target. Same, aside from the brand name and maybe a little thickness.

But let’s be really honest with each other, you and me. No one should spend over $5 on a crew neck, hoodless sweatshirt. Those things shouldn’t be worn out of the house. They are for lounging around in the house watching a full day of Mad Men to get ready for the season five premiere. They are what people wear when they are drinking a $75 bottle of wine their roommate may or may not have brought home from work. They are for eating an entire package of Oreos in two sittings (not a record by any means, but still requiring a Target wardrobe).

There are times that crew neck sweatshirts can be fun. For instance this one. Also, I will allow an L.L. Bean sweatshirt, despite the $40 price tag, both because I had kid slippers from there growing up (AND a very fashionable pink raincoat) and because they make a lot of cozy warm, no-nonsense outerwear for outdoorsy individuals. I was an environmental studies major, you know.

You’re the one I have a problem with. Ralph Lauren should not be spending his time making you. He should be spending his time making his dresses a little bit cuter.

The people who are suckered in to purchasing you should know: either get the Target version and spring for a red Sharpie with which to add the little polo guy and fool everyone, get the Jason Wu embellished crew neck to make a real fashion statement, or find a more flattering top to wear out in public.

Love, Amy


An Open Letter To This Unicorn

Dear Unicorn,

I have a lot of questions.

How much fun are you having?! Did you ever think that you’d be walking the runway at Fashion Week? Or walking any kind of runway in case this isn’t actually at Fashion Week (I’m too lazy to check, sorry). Did you help this gal find her cool blue lipstick? Did you see either (or maybe both) of the Olsen twins during this particular period of your life? How are you staying up on that dress? Are you sewn in? Hot glue? Buttons? Magic?

I don’t mean to bombard you, I’m just very surprised to see you here. I also love what you’ve done with your mane and tail.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To This Leather Jacket

Dear This Leather Jacket,

If you were actually leather, not polyurethane, you would be perfect and I would snap you up in no time. So close.

Love, Amy


An Open Letter To Planet Blue

Dear Planet Blue,

I love the idea of you and was very interested in well over half of the clothes you had in stock in Malibu last weekend. But why so expensive? I can easily get everything you were selling for half the price somewhere else, and I wouldn’t have to drive out to Malibu. Are you charging extra because you are owned by Olivia Newton John? I can’t imagine she’s hurting for cash. I did appreciate the placement of the rocks that said “honesty” and “boyfriend,” but the fact that you were selling rocks at all was worrisome. Those rocks with words etched into them are stupid. I’m saying it.

This little number would probably set you back $200 at Planet Blue and Olivia doesn't even seem to care.

In any case, I didn’t buy anything and was glad I didn’t because after I left you, I went to James Perse. I need absolutely everything they sell and will pay whatever I have to. THOSE are clothes.

Feel free to let me know if you are having a sale or decided to lower your regular prices.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To J. Crew

Dear J. Crew,

Let’s make a deal. I will keep looking for work and living my life exactly as I have been for months now and you will agree to give me all the clothes I want for free. Sounds like a great idea, right? Let me know what you think.

Love, Amy