Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Tag: cookies

An Open Letter To Dunsmuir and Detroit Streets

Dear Dunsmuir and Detroit Streets,

Hey, so I’m the girl who drove down both of you the wrong way last night. I’m really sorry about all of that. I had driven like fifty city miles and another fifty something on the freeways earlier in the day and was just trying to get myself and a friend from All About the Bread back to his house for an evening television extravaganza (and homemade cookies, OR SO I THOUGHT UNTIL I FOUND OUT MY “FRIEND” HAD EATEN THEM ALL LIKE THE LITTLE JERK HE IS). I was in a post-meatball-sub state of mind and there was no parking anywhere. Please forgive me for my wrongdoings. It won’t happen again because the lack of cookies was the final straw and I’ve ended this friendship, leaving me no reason to ever come near you again.

Love, Amy

P.S. Not to damage your sense of self or anything, but who the hell puts one way streets in your part of town?


An Open Letter To This Person

Dear This Person,

You found Open Letters by searching for “what is the deal with newtons fruit thins chocolate raspberry can’t find them anywhere.” Anyone who is this serious about any kind of “cookie,” no matter how loosely that term is being used, is someone I need to be friends with. Call me.

Love, Amy

Sub Open Letter To This Other Person: you found Open Letters by searching for “andrew garfield good looking” so clearly we need to be friends as well.

An Open Letter To My Grandma

Dear Grandma,

Thank you for the cookies you sent which arrived Wednesday afternoon. It is now Friday afternoon and they are completely gone. Dusty and Jerry had a few, but mostly I ate them. None of my pants fit anymore but it was worth it. You were worried they’d be stale, but no. They were heaven. It was almost like being back at Trask River Road. My next request is an entire berry pie, though I know that will be difficult to mail, so it’s okay if I have to wait until I am home. Curious kept smelling at them, I think they remind her of you. Miss you.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Newton’s Fruit Thins

Dear Newton’s Fruit Thins,

Stop it. I understand Fig Newtons but stop trying to pretend that you are a traditional cookie. If I am going to eat a cookie I want it to be a real cookie. Not a glorified fruit crisp. Don’t get me wrong, I love snacks that include fruit, I just think it is ridiculous to be marketing yourself as a cookie. Cookies are one of two things. They are either made with loads of real butter and sugar (and usually chocolate chips) and are thick and chewy and made by my grandmother or they are Uncle Eddies Vegan cookies. The second option obviously doesn’t involve real butter and isn’t made by my grandmother but are very nearly equally delicious. THOSE are cookies.

This lady knows a thing or two about making cookies and she frowns on your attempts.

I looked at your ingredients list, and you seem to be made of decent things, especially compared to other kinds of snack food (although the lack of any kind of citrus in the ‘cranberry citrus’ flavor seems strange). I just wish you would stop telling your self you are a cookie when you clearly aren’t. It isn’t the dried cranberries. I’ve had real cookies made with dried cranberries and they were fantastic. It’s just very upsetting to me that you are ruining cookies by pretending that you, clearly a health food snack that I am not against in general, are anywhere near a real life cookie.

Love, Amy

P.S. Chocolate raspberry is not an “unexpected flavor” so you can stop pretending on that front as well.

P.P.S. Yes, that is me in baby form on the far left.