Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Tag: food

An Open Letter To MasterChef

Dear MasterChef,

Last season, I recapped you for Picktainment. It was a season full of the most exquisite food ever eaten by any humans in the history of everything, at least according to Gordon Ramsay. It was also a season full of Suzy and her stupid smirk. It was also a season in which Jennifer won. A fact I had to look up because she was that forgettable. She also happened to be a former Ms. Delaware. So there’s that.

This season, I will not be recapping you, mostly in thanks to the fact that my television does not currently have a power cord. Believe me – this fact has caused a fair amount of stress around my household. If that power cord was still in my possession, please believe I would be spending all my money on cable and DVR-ing the hell out of you and The Bachelorette. As it stands now, I have to watch everything on Hulu, meaning I’m a week behind on you.

But those audition episodes were comforting. By this I mean I won’t have to watch the rest of the season since everything is almost exactly the same. A few examples:

  • Chef Ramsay is introduced with the phrase “and then there’s this guy.” I’m paraphrasing slightly, but that’s basically what the announcer said. I never cease to be amazed by how much Gordon Ramsay loves himself. He’d be cut down to size if he knew the truth: he’s partially responsible for the loss of the aforementioned power cord. You see, thanks to him and his desire to open a restaurant at popular Los Angeles shopping destination, The Grove, The Farm of Beverly Hills was forced to shut down. Which meant my roommate was out of a job and moved away. When he did this, he cancelled cable and accidentally returned that cord with the cable box. Thanks a lot, Gordon.
  • Graham is gross and chooses to express this grossness by saying things like “great mouth feel.” The amount I am disgusted by this phrase cannot accurately be put into words.
  • Everything is still the best ever. The prizes are bigger than ever in MasterChef history and all the dishes are more exquisite than anything in the world, except for the awful dishes, which are the worst food known to man. The crazies are crazier than anyone in history as well. Apparently.

You tried to fool us by introducing a MasterChef trophy (which I don’t remember from last season, but given that I also didn’t remember who won, I am clearly not to be trusted) and some kind of food truck that lasted about a minute, but overall this season looks to be an exact repeat of the ridiculousness that went on last season. Sure, that’s likely true of most reality shows, but a person can only take so much Gordon and I’m thinking that I’m still over my limit from last summer. I might still tune in to see what kind of food these jokers are making, as I really do love to watch people cook. But this will only be the case if I don’t find a replacement power cord in the next few weeks and get myself some Food Network action. I’ll take Chopped and Iron Chef over you any day.

Love, Amy

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An Open Letter To Elan Gale

Dear Elan,

Hello, you are funny on Twitter and whatever but I have a really important question about the most recent episode of The Bachelorette.

Can you please tell me what each of these snacks are? Yes, cool that there’s a rose on this date, but is any of this bacon wrapped? If answer is yes, can I please be on the next season of The Bachelor as one of the ladies (provided same kind of snacks are provided)?

Are these the right reasons for being on the show? That’s what everyone is always referring to, right?

LMK.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To The Knott’s Berry Farm Commercial

Dear Knott’s Berry Farm Commercial,

So, when you say that with a season pass I can eat 17-18 more pieces of pie, is that a challenge? Or just general info?

Love, Amy

P.S. If it’s a challenge lemme know ASAP so I can get out there and really show you who’s boss as far as eating pie. You have no idea what kind of skills you’re in for.

An Open Letter To The Google Maps App

Dear Google Maps App,

I think we both know that last night isn’t going to be the only night in our relationship in which I open you and find this:

As you well know by now, the only thing I’ve ever used you for is to find sandwiches. And if not sandwiches, then I was looking up the directions to Oinkster for Bridger (though we’re getting the hang of it and next time I think we’ll be able to do it on our own, like big kids), so we were at least in the sandwich arena.

Thank you for all the sandwich support you give me and please know that every single sandwich has been more delicious than the next. I couldn’t do it without you.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Seattle

Dear Seattle,

I flew out of LAX on Sunday, December 18 very early in the morning knowing that I wouldn’t be back until January 3 and all I could think about was how I was going to survive that long without being able to walk to Plancha.

I needn’t have worried.

Let’s take a brief photo journey:

Salad with vegetables from Pike Place Market

Apple Cobbler French Toast, Portage Bay Cafe

Pumpkin Spice and Double Chocolate, Mighty-O Donuts

Buford T. Justice, Honey Hole

Thai Peanut Bowl and Lentil Burger, Chaco Canyon Organic Cafe

Roasted Crimini Mushroom and Truffled Cheese Pizza, Serious Pie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The only thing better than all of that is that I shared it all with my BFF, Erin. She has lived in you for a while now and I understand why she loves you so much. It isn’t just the food. It’s the parks and the trees and the water and the way the sky looks and the outdoor activities and the bookstores.

I had a great time and didn’t miss Plancha one bit. See you soon.

Love, Amy

P.S. I didn’t even mind that my flight was delayed two times, meaning I woke up at five AM for pretty much nothing because by the time we finally flew out the view I had of you and your bodies of water was IN. SANE. Stay beautiful.