An Open Letter To David Cross

Dear David,

I didn’t realize how much I missed seeing you on television until last night on Modern Family. First I got worried that maybe I had imagined the news that you were going to appear in the episode, but then right at the end, you finally showed up and it was well worth the wait. You are a very, very funny human.

So thank god for the good news that Arrested Development seems to be on its way back to television. It has been too long. Almost equally exciting (because I can’t not eat dessert) is that Ben and Jerry’s is apparently making a Tobias inspired ice cream flavor. Can anything in life get any better? Can’t wait to see you on television again, hopefully as a Bluth, but really, I’ll take anything I can get. Will Arnett has a new show, you know. Maybe get yourself a recurring role on that business? I mean, you can handle your career however you want, but it’s something to consider.

Can't go on much longer without this in my life.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Danny Zuker

Dear Danny,

You might have the best Twitter of all time. Your tweets make me laugh even harder than Modern Family does, which is quite impressive. I follow about 60 people, which I think is not very many so maybe this doesn’t mean much, but you are the most entertaining of the bunch. I also think that, based on your tweets, you and I would get along really well. Examples:

• “Based on the way I’m coping with this minor leg rash I don’t think I will be one of those inspirational dying people.” You have no idea how many hours I spent on WebMD trying to identify the fifteen bug bites I had about a month ago. Was convinced I had this even though I live in LA, not the Midwest and didn’t have any of the symptoms. 2% of cases are fatal!
• “It’s hot enough to fry a climate change denier on the sidewalk.” I have a degree in Environmental Studies so I can explain to you why this is true. Or would be able to if I hadn’t taken all the science classes pass/fail and instead of doing homework watched every single episode of The Larry Sanders Show on Netflix.
• “I always have a brief moment of panic whenever I hear a siren in the middle of the night or have to spell “Wednesday.”” For me, it’s ‘rhythm,’ but same basic idea. Where are you even supposed to begin when there are no vowels?
• “I never look more guilty of stealing a credit card than when a person checks my i.d. when I charge something.” I had enough problems with this as a PA that the Production Manager typed up a letter saying I was allowed to use the show AmEx card.
• “Always takes my brain a second to realize I’m looking at a picture of Rebekah Brooks and not some lesser known faculty member at Hogwarts.” Agreed. And Hogwarts jokes are my favorite kind of jokes.

Please don’t ever stop tweeting or writing funny television. I’d be so sad.

Love, Amy

P.S. I wrote one of these to Craig Ferguson once and he gave me a job on his show. I am in a similar sort of unemployed state right now. Your move.

P.P.S. Good job on the Emmy front.

An Open Letter To The Emmys

Dear Emmys,

Last year, I wrote an article about who I thought should win the Emmys so let’s do that again:

• Outstanding Drama Series (Boardwalk Empire/Dexter/Friday Night Lights/Game of Thrones/The Good Wife/Mad Men): I only saw a few episodes of Boardwalk Empire. They were somewhere in the middle and I had no idea what was going on. It didn’t seem terrible though. Dexter was ruined thanks to Julia Stiles. Game of Thrones and the Good Wife are mysteries to me and Mad Men ended all ridiculous with Don’s engagement. That leaves Friday Night Lights. I spent my final term of college watching FNL instead of going to class and good lord was it worth it. The fifth season was television perfection and if it doesn’t win, I might cry even more than I did at the series finale.
• Outstanding Comedy Series (The Big Bang Theory/Glee/Modern Family/The Office/Parks and Recreation/30 Rock): I only care about two things in this category. 1. Glee wins NOTHINGITISSOTERRIBLEWHYDOPEOPLEWATCHIT. 2. Modern Family and Parks and Recreation share the win because choosing between them is what I imagine choosing a favorite child would be like.
• Outstanding Actor in a Drama (Steve Buscemi/Kyle Chandler/Michael C. Hall/Jon Hamm/Hugh Laurie/Timothy Olyphant): Kyle Chandler. Duh.
• Outstanding Actress in a Drama (Kathy Bates/Connie Britton/Mireille Enos/Mariska Hargitay/Julianna Margulies/Elisabeth Moss): Connie Britton. Also duh.
• Outstanding Actor in a Comedy (Alec Baldwin/Steve Carell/Louie C.K./Johnny Galecki/Matt LeBlanc/Jim Parsons): LOUIE. Have you watched that show? Louie. Louie. Louie.
• Outstanding Actress in a Comedy (Edie Falco/Tina Fey/Laura Linney/Melissa McCarthy/Martha Plimpton/Amy Poehler): “Hello everyone, I’m Leslie Monster.” Just give it to Amy Poehler she’s so great.
• Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama (Andre Braugher/Josh Charles/Alan Cumming/Peter Dinklage/Walton Goggins/John Slattery): The only one of these names I can place in a show is John Slattery and he is not my favorite of the Mad Men, so do what you want, Emmys.
• Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama (Christina Baranski/Michelle Forbes/Christina Hendricks/Kelly MacDonald/Margo Martindale/Archie Panjabi): I love Margo Martindale in everything I’ve seen her in so even though I only saw half an episode of Justified she should probably win.
• Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy (Ty Burrell/Chris Colfer/John Cryer/Jesse Tyler Ferguson/Ed O’Neill/Eric Stonestreet): If it can’t be Nick Offerman, then it has to be Eric Stonestreet. Though Ty Burrell still has my favorite Modern Family quote of all time: “Why do I have to see a French movie, I didn’t do anything wrong!”
• Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy (Julie Bowen/Jane Krakowski/Jane Lynch/Sofia Vergara/Betty White/Kristen Wiig): If you’re going to give Kristen Wiig an award, it should be for Bridesmaids not SNL. Julie Bowen must be rewarded for being still being able to carry on as a human, let alone a very funny one, after suffering through the role of Mrs. Dr. Jack Shepherd.
• Outstanding Variety/Music/Comedy Series (The Colbert Report/Conan/The Daily Show/Late Night With Jimmy Fallon/Real Time With Bill Maher/SNL): I have never watched a clip of Fallon and though anything other than ‘wow, that was sort of amazing.’
• Outstanding Reality Competition Program: (The Amazing Race/American Idol/Dancing With the Stars/Project Runway/So You Think You Can Dance/Top Chef): TOP CHEF. They make beautiful food and manage to do it without coming off as ridiculously staged and over produced like most other reality shows, cooking themed especially (Gordon Ramsay I am looking at you).
• Outstanding Reality Program (Antiques Roadshow/Deadliest Catch/Hoarders/Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List/Mythbusters/Undercover Boss): Mythbusters. Why is anything else even nominated?
• Outstanding Host – Reality Show/Reality Competition (Tom Bergeron/Cat Deeley/Phil Keoghan/Jeff Probst/Ryan Seacrest): I don’t like any of these people. Sorry.

I’m not going to say anything about the Miniseries business because the only one of those I saw was The Kennedys. I made it through two episodes and it was awful. As long as they don’t get any awards I’ll be happy.

Love, Amy