Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Tag: movies

An Open Letter to Ridley Scott

Dear Ridley Scott,

Today I saw this doodle you doodled and got REAL excited:

#teamdoodleoneverything

I listened to The Martian on Audible in just three sittings and it might just be the best book I’ve read in years. Probably this movie will be great, but I would like to go on the record as saying “Please don’t mess this up,” just in case.

Love, Amy

PS: Will theaters be serving Martian Coffee on opening night or what?

An Open Letter To “My Cherie Amour”

Dear “My Cherie Amour,”

You are a weird little song. I can’t hear any part of you without thinking of Almost Famous and Kate Hudson having her stomach pumped in the bathtub.

But now, thanks to Danny Elfman and David O. Russell, I will shortly thereafter begin thinking of Bradley Cooper and Raisin Bran after a moment spent pondering Patrick Fugit’s bowl cut and how it made me in love with boys with weird hair for a stretch of high school.

Thankfully, there was also a lot of other great music in Silver Linings Playbook, like Girl From the North Country, some Led Zeppelin and Alabama Shakes. All it was missing was a vintage Elton John track and it would be right up there with Almost Famous in my favorite soundtrack list (a list that also includes Guys and Dolls, because I don’t care if Marlon Brando couldn’t really sing and they had to piece everything together one note at a time, GUY COULD WEAR A SUIT, OKAY?).

You happen to feature prominently in Silver Linings, further connecting the two films in my mind. That doesn’t mean I like you a whole lot, but I had to at least acknowledge your presence.

Can’t wait til our next meeting in a film I really like.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Amy

Dear Amy,

HOW DID YOU FORGET THAT ELIJAH WOOD WAS THE STAR OF FLIPPER?

How, how, how, how, how?

You know that you were really into dolphins for all of elementary school. You loved them so much. It started when you were assigned your very first major project in first grade: the mammals poster. Since you were always very good at art as a child, you already had a good handle on complementary colors and went with blue block letters that you painstakingly cut out of construction paper and glue-sticked on to an orange background.

Of course you remember buying the paperback book version of the classic dolphin film. You read that thing constantly. It featured tons of photos from the movie and you always kept in handy in case you needed a dolphin fix.

So how is it that your high school self didn’t put it together that the weird looking guy playing Frodo was in Flipper. What else have you missed? I’m now starting to question all your memories – I mean, it took you a solid ten seconds to remember who Rider Strong was when a lunch companion brought him up in conversation.

Get it together.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To People Worried Robert Pattinson Was Going To Ruin ‘The Hunger Games’

Dear People Worried Robert Pattinson Was Going To Ruin The Hunger Games,

Hi, as far as news items that fall under “a role Robert Pattinson would ruin,” we currently have bigger problems at hand.

I use “we” loosely because I don’t know what a Finnick is and haven’t read The Hunger Games. I’m not against them, they just happen to be books 156-158 on my To Read list so it’s taking a while to get to them. But none of these rumors matter anyway because Robert Pattinson has already been in Harry Potter and Twilight so if he’s experienced at anything it is acting in movie adaptations of successful young adult book series.

What should be a much, much larger, bright red flag of terror that everyone is currently waving is the idea of Pattinson playing any member of The Band in some kind of biopic.

THIS CANNOT BE ALLOWED.

I’m of the opinion that no biopic of The Band is even necessary because Martin Scorsese was kind enough to make a film called The Last Waltz which is almost too much fun and every person who has ever loved music should probably have already seen it. But if the powers that be are going to make a movie about The Band anyway then the least these powers could do is not ruin it with the vampire boy.

I’d love nothing more than to be pleasantly surprised by Pattinson turning out to actually be talented but it would be great if he could do this in a movie that doesn’t run the risk of tainting the music of a really great band.

Also he was in that elephants movie, he could have “showed off his chops” then if he had any.

So maybe let’s all relax about The Hunger Games for a minute and instead worry about Levon, Robbie and the rest of the boys. This is like when Nick Jonas said in Rolling Stone that he was “saving” his “Dylan phase.” None of it makes any sense, while Pattinson in The Hunger Games would be expected, given the roles he’s famous for. Right?

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Pete Holmes

Dear Pete Holmes,

Last weekend I had a dream about a really cool comedy show. It took place in the Cornelius 9 Cinema (9 for 9 screens), a small, independent movie theater in Cornelius, Oregon, the town over from Hillsboro, Oregon, where I grew up. It is (or was) also the meth capital of Oregon.

At this comedy show held in a movie theater, you and eight other comics (one being Michael Ian Black, which will become important later), were each assigned one of the theaters but instead of showing something on the screen you each just did a set that was written entirely about the positive and negative aspects of two different kinds of candy. I think you each got to pick the candy, but I’m not sure. All the candy was laid out on these giant tables in the lobby, where the popcorn should have been. Dream Amy thought to herself “oh, cool, Pete Holmes, I’ll go to his show.” So I got your candies and went and sat down in the theater. A couple minutes in, I realized that your candies were: gummies shaped like flip-flops (the base was yellow and the strap was a pinkish purple color) and ping-pong balls. Not candy ping-pong balls – just regular ones. (Side note: your show was titled “Thongs and Pong”) I was rightfully disappointed and snuck out, heading back to the lobby to give someone else a try.

Dream Amy struck up a conversation with the guy in charge of candy distribution, who said not to worry – he was a friend of the guy running this whole show and would hook me up with which ever candies I wanted. I asked who the guy was, and he pointed upwards. Sitting on top of one of the ceiling beams was Dennis Rodman. I didn’t have time to dwell on this, though, because during the entire conversation I had been snacking on M&M’s, picking out all the red ones. Turned out this was one of Michael Ian Black’s candies and I was ruining everything and he had me thrown out.

At some point I think the movie theater turned into The Grove because I definitely remember my cousin being there, serving food at what would be the equivalent of The Farm, which is where he works in real life.

I am not sure I want to know what any of this means. Especially the Dennis Rodman part. Also, as Awake Amy, I would like to assure you that I would never walk out on one of your shows because you are hilarious. I cannot apologize enough for Dream Amy’s rudeness.

Love, Amy