Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Tag: music

An Open Letter to Spotify

Dear Spotify,

We are having a tiny problem, you and me, but I think it is just because we don’t know each other well enough. In an attempt to remedy this, here are some facts about me that are relevant to our relationship:

  1. I do not ever want to hear Adam Levine sing. I just can’t listen to it. There is something horribly disturbing about his voice and my ears, when they hear Adam Levine sound waves, start going “oh god no please no why is this happening what a horrible world in which we live.
  2. My ears don’t like to end sentences with prepositions if it can be avoided.
  3. This was one of the things they loved most about those Robert Galbraith books, which were otherwise just okay.
  4. You know that Jack Johnson song “Banana Pancakes”? I also never want to hear that song unless you can time it to perfectly coincide with a corgi butler bringing me both a cup of Coava coffee and a plate of, you guessed it, banana pancakes.
  5. That acoustic cover of “Crazy in Love” you found once that I’ve never been able to track down since? More of that.
  6. What if the “Sudden Rainstorm” playlist was a few hours longer? Like maybe as long as my workday? I’m starting to recognize rainstorms and that’s something a crazy person says.
  7. For that matter, how about all the “Focus” playlists are as long as the average work day? Is that a thing that could happen?
  8. “Check out your follow page to see who you’d like to follow” should really be changed to “Check out your follow page to see who we would like to trick you into following, probably because we will make some money if you do.” Let’s be honest with each other.
  9. “Canon in D” on a Thursday at 1 pm? Am I at a wedding? Please don’t.
  10. I’m sorry about the Taylor Swift business. That must have been hard for you.
  11. What if you didn’t play Frozen ads? Would you lose a lot of money? I don’t want you to lose a lot of money also goodness gracious that movie came out forever ago when do I get to not hear that song any more?

Hopefully with this information we can be even better friends and look forward to many hours of listening to music and drowning out the sounds of my office together. It’ll be great!

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To “My Cherie Amour”

Dear “My Cherie Amour,”

You are a weird little song. I can’t hear any part of you without thinking of Almost Famous and Kate Hudson having her stomach pumped in the bathtub.

But now, thanks to Danny Elfman and David O. Russell, I will shortly thereafter begin thinking of Bradley Cooper and Raisin Bran after a moment spent pondering Patrick Fugit’s bowl cut and how it made me in love with boys with weird hair for a stretch of high school.

Thankfully, there was also a lot of other great music in Silver Linings Playbook, like Girl From the North Country, some Led Zeppelin and Alabama Shakes. All it was missing was a vintage Elton John track and it would be right up there with Almost Famous in my favorite soundtrack list (a list that also includes Guys and Dolls, because I don’t care if Marlon Brando couldn’t really sing and they had to piece everything together one note at a time, GUY COULD WEAR A SUIT, OKAY?).

You happen to feature prominently in Silver Linings, further connecting the two films in my mind. That doesn’t mean I like you a whole lot, but I had to at least acknowledge your presence.

Can’t wait til our next meeting in a film I really like.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To People Worried Robert Pattinson Was Going To Ruin ‘The Hunger Games’

Dear People Worried Robert Pattinson Was Going To Ruin The Hunger Games,

Hi, as far as news items that fall under “a role Robert Pattinson would ruin,” we currently have bigger problems at hand.

I use “we” loosely because I don’t know what a Finnick is and haven’t read The Hunger Games. I’m not against them, they just happen to be books 156-158 on my To Read list so it’s taking a while to get to them. But none of these rumors matter anyway because Robert Pattinson has already been in Harry Potter and Twilight so if he’s experienced at anything it is acting in movie adaptations of successful young adult book series.

What should be a much, much larger, bright red flag of terror that everyone is currently waving is the idea of Pattinson playing any member of The Band in some kind of biopic.

THIS CANNOT BE ALLOWED.

I’m of the opinion that no biopic of The Band is even necessary because Martin Scorsese was kind enough to make a film called The Last Waltz which is almost too much fun and every person who has ever loved music should probably have already seen it. But if the powers that be are going to make a movie about The Band anyway then the least these powers could do is not ruin it with the vampire boy.

I’d love nothing more than to be pleasantly surprised by Pattinson turning out to actually be talented but it would be great if he could do this in a movie that doesn’t run the risk of tainting the music of a really great band.

Also he was in that elephants movie, he could have “showed off his chops” then if he had any.

So maybe let’s all relax about The Hunger Games for a minute and instead worry about Levon, Robbie and the rest of the boys. This is like when Nick Jonas said in Rolling Stone that he was “saving” his “Dylan phase.” None of it makes any sense, while Pattinson in The Hunger Games would be expected, given the roles he’s famous for. Right?

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Dolly Parton

Dear Dolly Parton,

In high school everyone started getting keys. Real keys. It wasn’t cool anymore to just have a million tiny stuffed animal keychains and cool little keychain games and other nonsense rattling around from one’s backpack zippers like in elementary and middle school. It was time to grow up and whittle down the collection to make room for some real live car keys.

My own first set of grown up keys contained a house key emblazoned with the University of Oregon logo (my family was hard core about those Ducks, okay?), a Lego Yoda (since replaced with a Storm Trooper after Yoda lost limb after limb and finally his entire torso went missing), the key to my silver Mazda B2300 truck (no power locks or windows on that sweet ride, lock your doors, passengers) and a tiny flashlight that came all the way from Dollywood.

Yes, that’s right. Your Dollywood. My uncle had gone to visit and like all the exciting places he went to, I got a little souvenir and postcard in the mail. Over the years I had collected pens from Greece, Spain, and Paris, postcards from all over New York, Palm Springs, Canada and many other places in Europe. They’re all still in a box somewhere in the closet of my childhood bedroom but that keychain went with me all through high school and most of college. Unfortunately, it broke off the key ring and got lost on the UO campus somewhere. I hope a squirrel took it home and used it to spice up the décor.

You played a significant role a few other times in my life. The one that really sticks out was a sixth grade beach weekend I spent in Seaside, Oregon with friends Molly and Becky. It was February on the Oregon Coast so of course it rained the entire time. We spent three nights in Molly’s parents’ beach house watching Steel Magnolias and Miss Congeniality on a loop. For weeks after, I had dreams that featured you and Sandra Bullock prepping for the Miss Diabetes pageant.

Then in college my dorm roommate and I got really into the song “Workin’ 9 to 5.” It reappeared in my life last week after a long day of work. Surprisingly, it didn’t come up during work, but actually when I was going to bed (in fact I hadn’t worked 9 to 5, but rather 10 to 7, an important distinction, I’m sure). After work I had eaten the most delicious meatball sub of my entire life with a friend and then watched the next three episodes of Parks and Recreation on some screeners he had gotten from work. As you can imagine those two events put that day right up there with the best of my life, regardless of how many hours I worked. Also, the Chelsea Peretti written episode on that screener disc featured probably the most fun cold open in all of television (soft blankets are my one true love). Things were really going my way.

It was probably the great mood I was in that made me think of your fun, upbeat track. It was one of the chillier days in LA recently so I had to bundle up a bit for bed. As I was putting on some socks, I sang out loud to myself, “Wearin’ socks to bed! What a way to make a living!” Becky (of the beach weekend mentioned above who was also the dorm roommate and I guess I should now be calling my “Dolly Parton friend”) had a lyrical improvement on this when I texted her about it: “wearin’ socks to bed, what a way to keep my toes warm.” So I guess that’s something I’ll be singing every time it gets cold in LA.

I like to have a lot of fun, is what I’m saying. Thanks for supplying the soundtrack these days, and being a literal light in my life many years ago.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To God

Dear God,

Thank you for Gomez putting up the House of Blues concert as a free download. Thank you for Andrea for sending me the link and for taking me to the show back in October. I had somehow forgotten how amazing that night was and how great it was to spend it with Andrea during a, let’s call them “tricky,” couple weeks of my 2011.

Love, Amy