Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Tag: Oregon

An Open Letter To Pete Holmes

Dear Pete Holmes,

Last weekend I had a dream about a really cool comedy show. It took place in the Cornelius 9 Cinema (9 for 9 screens), a small, independent movie theater in Cornelius, Oregon, the town over from Hillsboro, Oregon, where I grew up. It is (or was) also the meth capital of Oregon.

At this comedy show held in a movie theater, you and eight other comics (one being Michael Ian Black, which will become important later), were each assigned one of the theaters but instead of showing something on the screen you each just did a set that was written entirely about the positive and negative aspects of two different kinds of candy. I think you each got to pick the candy, but I’m not sure. All the candy was laid out on these giant tables in the lobby, where the popcorn should have been. Dream Amy thought to herself “oh, cool, Pete Holmes, I’ll go to his show.” So I got your candies and went and sat down in the theater. A couple minutes in, I realized that your candies were: gummies shaped like flip-flops (the base was yellow and the strap was a pinkish purple color) and ping-pong balls. Not candy ping-pong balls – just regular ones. (Side note: your show was titled “Thongs and Pong”) I was rightfully disappointed and snuck out, heading back to the lobby to give someone else a try.

Dream Amy struck up a conversation with the guy in charge of candy distribution, who said not to worry – he was a friend of the guy running this whole show and would hook me up with which ever candies I wanted. I asked who the guy was, and he pointed upwards. Sitting on top of one of the ceiling beams was Dennis Rodman. I didn’t have time to dwell on this, though, because during the entire conversation I had been snacking on M&M’s, picking out all the red ones. Turned out this was one of Michael Ian Black’s candies and I was ruining everything and he had me thrown out.

At some point I think the movie theater turned into The Grove because I definitely remember my cousin being there, serving food at what would be the equivalent of The Farm, which is where he works in real life.

I am not sure I want to know what any of this means. Especially the Dennis Rodman part. Also, as Awake Amy, I would like to assure you that I would never walk out on one of your shows because you are hilarious. I cannot apologize enough for Dream Amy’s rudeness.

Love, Amy


An Open Letter To Portlandia

Dear Portlandia,

The last two weeks as I have gotten dressed I have thought, ‘should I really be putting on these sandals, given it is January?’ The answer has been yes, because I live in Los Angeles, rather than Portland where it is currently snowing. Thankfully, you have come back for your second season to remind me of home.

I grew up outside of Portland and spent a fair amount of time there over the years. Moving to LA, though sunny and delightful, was definitely an adjustment, especially for my “lily white skin.” The LA bar scene from your season two premiere was exactly right, nailing the contrast between LA and Portland people.

Then there was this week’s episode. I cannot thank you enough for bringing James Callis and Edward James Olmos into the same room for some Battlestar Galactica scenes, even if they were jokes, and even getting Ron Moore in on the fun. Lord how I miss Baltar. Not only do you remind me of the wonderful quirkiness of my home (where it’s totally okay that I drive a Hyundai without automatic windows rather than a shiny new BMW) but you attempt to bring back one of the best TV shows of all time.

I have asked myself Fred and Carrie’s question “Who moves out of Portland?” a million times, and while I have my answers, it’s so much fun to spend a half hour every week remembering how awesome Portland is.

Love, Amy

P.S. While my grandmother has never pickled Band-Aids, she does make a mean pickle and that is one of the things I miss most about being in Oregon.

An Open Letter To Deschutes Brewery

Dear Deschutes Brewery,

Thanks for making Jubelale available at the Whole Foods I go to in Los Angeles. It was my contribution to a beautiful Thanksgiving dinner (thank you, Aunt Diana) and today I will probably get some more to celebrate what would have been my father’s 57th birthday. He was a big fan of the stuff and I very much wish that he was here today to drink some with me.

Happy bday, Daddy.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Grimm

Dear Grimm,

There is a lot of fairy tale nonsense happening on television and in movies lately, between you, Once Upon A Time, and all the Snow White movies and I originally thought that you were one of the better efforts. That opinion might be changing. Lately you have been a bit on the cheesy side and let’s face it, casting your lead from old an MTV Road Rules cast might not have been the best move. The procedural cop show elements of you are also getting a bit tiring, since CSI: Enchanted Forest isn’t something I’m sure I’d ever be interested in. I’m going to keep watching for a while, but Once Upon A Time is doing a better job of winning me over at this point.

Hello, Streetcar.

I do really love that you are set in Portland though. Everything looks so green up there and it’s nice to be reminded that there are places where public transportation is efficient rather than a traffic block up and down West 3rd like it is here in Los Angeles. Can’t wait to be home for the holidays.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Linda Wolf

Dear Ms. Wolf,

I bet you don’t remember me. I took your Advanced Biology class and Glencoe High School during the 2005-2006 school year. We went birding (I distinctly remember you yelling “Look! A snowy egret!!” from the bus). We raised chickens. We schlepped in the wetlands out behind the track. We went to the SWRP Summit at the University of Portland and made eloquent, engaging, scientifically accurate presentations ate cookies behind the poster hoping the judges wouldn’t see us while Brittany explained our research. It was loads of fun. It was also great that we had it first period, meaning that on those fateful pond schlepping days, we spent the rest of the day smelling like wetlands. Very sexy.

These are some badass birds.

Looking back now, it really was a fun class and we did a lot of interesting things that I exaggerated greatly on college applications and resumes. So thanks for that. You were definitely a little nuts at times, but I learned a lot. Now, my dear sweet baby sister is in your Honors Biology class and I certainly hope you are being nice to her. Walker is. Feel free to go ask him for tips if you need any. Maybe start by giving her an A on her essay, “Should We Save the Red Knot Bird?” which she was writing for you last night. Then perhaps you could assign more lab reports instead of essays, being that you are teaching Biology. I can honestly say that my science classes at Glencoe in no way prepared me to write actual lab reports in college. The only lab report writing skills I took with me to UO came from my seventh grade science teacher, Ms. Kottkey. Even Erin agrees with me and her degree was in engineering. You’ve got some work to do, lady.

Love, Amy

P.S. I was catching up on Hillsboro news the other day and found this. Seems like it would be right up your alley.