Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Tag: ridiculous

An(other) Open Letter To Commissary Coffee

Dear Commissary Coffee,

Look, I like you guys. Everyone who works at you is fantastic, the Egg Slut is almost always parked outside if I need a snack and your free WiFi works at a nice speed. But yesterday I ran into a serious issue. I don’t mean to be bossy (or judgmental but I’m totally going to be so get ready), but in the future please DO NOT allow people who have the following conversations to buy coffee from you and then sit at a table close enough to me that I can hear them (these are all exact quotes I dictated them because I could not believe my ears).

Conversation 1 (about the giant dog at another table nearby) –
Girl: I’ve got a dog that’s like sixty pounds.
Boy 1: Fer real? That’s f**kin’ heavy what you doin with that? He take care of you?

Conversation 2 (about recent film The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo) –
Boy 1: I thought the whole thing was gonna be hella crazy but then it just wasn’t. I mean it was a sexy movie though.
Boy 2: Aren’t they doin another one?
Boy 1: Yeah man there’s three books the next one is like ‘The Girl with Some Other Sh*t.’ Books are always better than the movie they probably rushed that sh*t to get it to two hours.
Girl: Yeah.
Boy 1: Like, I didn’t like they tried to make a parallel to the social welfare guy raping Mara Rooney and the dad raping the daughter before and it just didn’t work.

Conversation 3 (about Coachella) –
Boy 1: It’s three days two times! There’s two weekends that sold out in three hours.
Boy 2: Sh*t man, I’d be hella inta goin.
Boy 1: Yeah I’m down we shoulda got tickets it’s a hella lineup.
Boy 2: Honestly, Radiohead’s gonna kill it.

Conversation 4 (about a neightborhood in LA, I didn’t catch which one exactly) –
Girl: I mean, I didn’t mind livin there.
Boy 1: It was a good place geographically. Errythin was like ten twenty minutes and sh*t. I mean there’s something fun about the ghetto.

First of all, learn some new words other than “hella” and “sh*t.” Second, her name is Rooney Mara. Third, dogs don’t take care of people, even sixty pound ones. Fourth, there are actually three weekends of Coachella. Fifth, the word “everything” has a ‘V’ in it.

The only thing that made you letting these people near me worse was that right after I left you, I went to Plancha and EVEN WORSE people were there having a loud obnoxious conversation. None of my safe places are safe anymore and I’m scared, please help me.

Love, Amy

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An Open Letter To The Grammys

Dear Grammys,

Putting Katy Perry anywhere near Mumford and Sons is absolutely ridiculous. You realize that, right?

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Modelland

Dear Modelland,

I am assuming you are a place. I don’t really know because I couldn’t even get through the excerpt that was available on the Barnes and Noble website. Why? Here is a list of reasons:

  • The characters’ names are ridiculous and I cannot focus on anything other than the mental image of Tyra drawing letters out of a hat and scrambling them into these names: “Tookie” “Myrracle” “Mrs. De La Crème” “Theophilus” “Zarpessa Zarionneaux” “Mayor Rump” and “Desperada”
  • The phrase “smile for the cams!” appears.
  • “Tookie dutifully climbed onto the shiny bumper.” This is how a fourth grader writes.

I know you only exist because Tyra wrote you, but it is still amazing to me that you were published at all. You just don’t make any sense to me.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To The Guy With This Truck

Dear Guy With This Truck,

I have serious doubts about the necessity of owning an automobile this large. I used to drive a truck and I loved it, but it was more reasonable in size. Also, you are taking up not one, but two precious street parking spots which is just selfish. I wish that red Scion had hit you instead of me and the neighbor’s Mercedes. Then I wouldn’t even be upset with her for lying about the whole incident.

Love, Amy

An(other) Open Letter To NBC

Dear NBC,

I THOUGHT WE COVERED THIS:

Any joy I found in the fact that you also picked up Up All Night is negated. What in the world is wrong with you??????????

Love Hate, Amy