An Open Letter To People Worried Robert Pattinson Was Going To Ruin ‘The Hunger Games’

Dear People Worried Robert Pattinson Was Going To Ruin The Hunger Games,

Hi, as far as news items that fall under “a role Robert Pattinson would ruin,” we currently have bigger problems at hand.

I use “we” loosely because I don’t know what a Finnick is and haven’t read The Hunger Games. I’m not against them, they just happen to be books 156-158 on my To Read list so it’s taking a while to get to them. But none of these rumors matter anyway because Robert Pattinson has already been in Harry Potter and Twilight so if he’s experienced at anything it is acting in movie adaptations of successful young adult book series.

What should be a much, much larger, bright red flag of terror that everyone is currently waving is the idea of Pattinson playing any member of The Band in some kind of biopic.

THIS CANNOT BE ALLOWED.

I’m of the opinion that no biopic of The Band is even necessary because Martin Scorsese was kind enough to make a film called The Last Waltz which is almost too much fun and every person who has ever loved music should probably have already seen it. But if the powers that be are going to make a movie about The Band anyway then the least these powers could do is not ruin it with the vampire boy.

I’d love nothing more than to be pleasantly surprised by Pattinson turning out to actually be talented but it would be great if he could do this in a movie that doesn’t run the risk of tainting the music of a really great band.

Also he was in that elephants movie, he could have “showed off his chops” then if he had any.

So maybe let’s all relax about The Hunger Games for a minute and instead worry about Levon, Robbie and the rest of the boys. This is like when Nick Jonas said in Rolling Stone that he was “saving” his “Dylan phase.” None of it makes any sense, while Pattinson in The Hunger Games would be expected, given the roles he’s famous for. Right?

Love, Amy