Open Letters Love Amy

Because the Internet is easier than buying stamps and I will just lose your zip code anyway.

Tag: shoes

An Open Letter to My New Boots

Hey guys,

Welcome. You live here now, but instead of risking your cleanliness by shoving you under the shelf by the front door with all the other shoes, I’m going to keep you safe in the bedroom by the shoes I never wear. But don’t listen to what they have to say. The red boots that actually look kind of like you but have a taller heel will try to tell you that you’ll never get worn. But you feel like pillows and are a beautiful dark charcoal grey, where they are kind of uncomfortable actually and a weird red color that doesn’t really go with anything. They are ungrateful idiots who should just be glad I rescued them from some Urban Outfitters warehouse and at least gave them a nice home.

The black heels will also be like, “Amy is the worst and we just sit here doing nothing,” but guess what? They are the worst and pinch my pinky toe. So there. Honestly, where am I really going to wear a pair of black heels? Acceptable work attire at my place of business is bare feet and a hoodie.

But with you guys it will be different. As you know, you have already gone to work! Wasn’t it fun?! You even got to walk to the food truck and get a burrito. What a great day that was. You are comfortable and beautiful and practical for many occasions. I can dress you up or down and you go with basically all the clothes I own.

Here’s to a wonderful life together. I promise to get you resoled if needed and never only occasionally spill coffee on you while walking to the car in the morning.




An Open Letter To Prada

Dear Prada,

You’ve done it again.








I’m almost certain that even my dear, departed father would be okay with spending a small fortune on your heels if they were inspired by classic cars he loved, like these are.

Excellent work.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Prada’s Ruched Platform Booties In Anthracite

Dear Prada’s Ruched Platform Booties In Anthracite,

I have addressed you in a couple previous Open Letters, but since I cannot stop thinking about you, I thought I would write to you personally. Basically, I WANT YOU SO BADLY. I saw you in Nordstrom the other day and good heavens were you soft and perfect. I didn’t try you on because I knew that I would never want to take you off and then the entire contents of both my checking and savings accounts would be gone. Which would make it tricky to buy groceries and pay rent. But GOD. You know how lovely you are, right? I really wish I could afford you.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Emma Stone’s Lanvin Dress

Dear Emma Stone’s Lanvin Dress,

Heyyyy. I’m really sorry you had to go to a premiere of The Help. I don’t care what Rotten Tomatoes or anyone says, that was a terrible, terrible movie. BUT, you got to hang out in Hamburg, which I bet was awesome. I will get to Germany someday for sure.

I promise to always smile and never make this kind of bitch face when I am wearing you.

At least one site I saw said that they didn’t feel like you were Emma’s best look. They are probably right because you would look best on me. I have plenty of room in my closet and it doesn’t matter that we won’t really have anywhere to go. It will be enough that we are together. Plus, another person I know will surely get married in the next few years so I’ll need something nice to wear. You’re just such a lovely color and I am loving your bodice.

I want you even more than I want these Prada Booties. And I want those shoes A WHOLE LOT. Come live in my closet please.

Love, Amy

An Open Letter To Dorothy’s Ruby Red Slippers

Dear Dorothy’s Ruby Red Slippers From The Wizard of Oz,

There are four known surviving pairs of you and I have seen one! It was one of the more significant experiences of my childhood. You came to Portland when I was six (or maybe five or seven or four, I have no idea but my mom probably knows) as part of the Smithsonian’s traveling museum. I remember four things about going that day:

1. There were more people than I had ever seen in my entire six, five, seven, or four year old life.

2. Kermit the frog was there. I was pretty into the Muppets.

3. An Apollo lunar rover was there. THAT I almost wasn’t able to handle because space travel is awesome.

4. You were there and you were so shiny!

I still don’t think that I’ve seen The Wizard of Oz all the way through, but I always did like Dorothy. Plus, as a girl who likes shoes, you are just magical in your own right, separate from the movie.

In December, you’re going to be up for auction! Too bad I don’t have the two or three million dollars that it will likely take to make you mine. Oh well. Seeing you was enough and I seriously doubt my renters insurance would cover you anyway. I’m sure you’ll be very happy in whatever new home you get.

Love, Amy